"What time are we gonna BE there?" & "How come it's gonna be late?!"
We just hit Ocala & it's started already.
"Ayeyayayayayayaya! Buhbuh...aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!" SCREECH! SCREEEEEEECH!
Oh this trip just got better.
KickkickkickkickkickkickSCREEEEECH!
"Somebody shove some damned chicken in that child's mouth!"
"I am the tuuurkey man. Tha turkey maaan. Tha turkey man. I am the tuuurkey man. Tha turkey..." Who's going to crack first with the song coming out of the back seat? Will he tire of singing it before I reach my limit??? I'm not hopeful - that kid has the ability to endlessly focus on one thing.
Is that a second verse? Lord.
SCREEEEECH!!! "Big! Chicken him!"
Only 6.5 more hrs...
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Griswold Family Thanksgiving Road Trip - part 1
All packed up & heading out on the road! Going to my parents' in Alabama...to Mississippi...back to Alabama...to Tuscaloosa...back to Mom & Dad's...& then back home to Florida. Little is a crap traveler, so there is ample opportunity for shit to go south...
In the car. Need gas. :-( Get gas. K's hungry, but Big informs me he's good. Get Chick-fil-A for K & feed it to him as we weave through traffic. "Safely".
We're going to die.
(Should this actually happen, in my newspaper obit, please make my passing the result of something more exciting like getting knifed in a transvestite turf war or a mysterious & tragic rodeo accident. Maybe a brief mention of the dead bird I almost stepped on today, but went around...because I care. And it was gross.)
Not 1 damned mile down the road, Big announces that he's "a little hungry" & starts rifling through the snack bag. God almighty!!
K's running 14 eBay auctions from the responsibility-free comfort of the front seat & there's more rustling in the snack bag in the backseat. It's going to rain damned M&M'S snack mix when he rolls this sonovabitch.
Perhaps include something about how I always liked to help people...?
I had a giant glass of wine before we left home, yet I can still feel little feet kick, Kick, KICKING the back of my seat. Curious.
On our way ;-)
In the car. Need gas. :-( Get gas. K's hungry, but Big informs me he's good. Get Chick-fil-A for K & feed it to him as we weave through traffic. "Safely".
We're going to die.
(Should this actually happen, in my newspaper obit, please make my passing the result of something more exciting like getting knifed in a transvestite turf war or a mysterious & tragic rodeo accident. Maybe a brief mention of the dead bird I almost stepped on today, but went around...because I care. And it was gross.)
Not 1 damned mile down the road, Big announces that he's "a little hungry" & starts rifling through the snack bag. God almighty!!
K's running 14 eBay auctions from the responsibility-free comfort of the front seat & there's more rustling in the snack bag in the backseat. It's going to rain damned M&M'S snack mix when he rolls this sonovabitch.
Perhaps include something about how I always liked to help people...?
I had a giant glass of wine before we left home, yet I can still feel little feet kick, Kick, KICKING the back of my seat. Curious.
On our way ;-)
Monday, November 12, 2012
A Real Boyfriend...
Saw this picture on Facebook & thought, "Ugh! THAT sounds awful..."
1. "Calls you for nothing..."
I have a strict No Calls policy that's only becoming more iron clad as I get older. Unless you absolutely cannot contain your message within the confines of a text, an email or a Facebook post/message, I'll allow it - but you'd better have a damned point. Get to it. Quickly.
2. "...texts you all the time..."
No ma'am. In the wise words of Sweet Brown, "Ain't nobody got time for that!" Quit being fucking needy & get to work.
3. "...wants to see you..."
I'm ok with this one, unless it's all the time, in which case, we'll probably break up.
4. "...cries..."
There are only a few instances in which I'm ok with you crying:
A) Death of a close family member
B) Birth of your children
C) Scoring the come-from-behind, winning touchdown in the big game with less than 1 minute left to play with a set of plays that shall be forever known as "The Drive" (Amen & Roll Tide!)
Other than that, you need to suck that shit up. There are few things more off-putting than a weepy male. Be a man. Go shoot something & have a beer.
Handle your damn business.
5. "...gets jealous..."
This is bullshit. It sounds like it'd be cute but it goes horribly wrong in practice & I have enough problems without having to worry about your baggage, too. Again, shouldn't you be working or working out or something other than fixating on me? Your issues smother me. Back the fuck up.
6. "...is over protective..."
No thank you. Stand up for me when needed. Shoot burglars & intimidate the weird neighbor who likes to randomly stand in my driveway. Creepy. P.S. Your yard smells like pee, Turtle Man. P.P.S. I wave at you every day so you'll decide that I'm nice & won't murder me when the spree eventually comes. I've got my "He was always so quiet..." news speech READY.
Anyway...Usually "over protective" is just a sweet way of saying "perp" which will eventually - probably sooner than later - bite you in the ass. Or plot to kidnap you at gunpoint after you break up..."I've got a map and a .38..." Delightfully heart warming, no? It's not love if it also qualifies as a felony. Somebody write that down.
7. "...loves you."
I'm cool with this one. Without the rest of that shit.
Can't handle it.
Longer, leaner, faster, stronger!
Ashley
1. "Calls you for nothing..."
I have a strict No Calls policy that's only becoming more iron clad as I get older. Unless you absolutely cannot contain your message within the confines of a text, an email or a Facebook post/message, I'll allow it - but you'd better have a damned point. Get to it. Quickly.
2. "...texts you all the time..."
No ma'am. In the wise words of Sweet Brown, "Ain't nobody got time for that!" Quit being fucking needy & get to work.
3. "...wants to see you..."
I'm ok with this one, unless it's all the time, in which case, we'll probably break up.
4. "...cries..."
There are only a few instances in which I'm ok with you crying:
A) Death of a close family member
B) Birth of your children
C) Scoring the come-from-behind, winning touchdown in the big game with less than 1 minute left to play with a set of plays that shall be forever known as "The Drive" (Amen & Roll Tide!)
Other than that, you need to suck that shit up. There are few things more off-putting than a weepy male. Be a man. Go shoot something & have a beer.
Handle your damn business.
5. "...gets jealous..."
This is bullshit. It sounds like it'd be cute but it goes horribly wrong in practice & I have enough problems without having to worry about your baggage, too. Again, shouldn't you be working or working out or something other than fixating on me? Your issues smother me. Back the fuck up.
6. "...is over protective..."
No thank you. Stand up for me when needed. Shoot burglars & intimidate the weird neighbor who likes to randomly stand in my driveway. Creepy. P.S. Your yard smells like pee, Turtle Man. P.P.S. I wave at you every day so you'll decide that I'm nice & won't murder me when the spree eventually comes. I've got my "He was always so quiet..." news speech READY.
Anyway...Usually "over protective" is just a sweet way of saying "perp" which will eventually - probably sooner than later - bite you in the ass. Or plot to kidnap you at gunpoint after you break up..."I've got a map and a .38..." Delightfully heart warming, no? It's not love if it also qualifies as a felony. Somebody write that down.
7. "...loves you."
I'm cool with this one. Without the rest of that shit.
Can't handle it.
Longer, leaner, faster, stronger!
Ashley
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Degas vs Godzilla
My oldest has this thing where he works himself up into a damned frenzy about whatever ("It's TOOOOOSDAY! OMG!") & throws up at school. Random ass vomit. The lunchroom seems to be his favorite, but he's been known to wreck a classroom or two...I even have the school nurse's extension programmed in as "MGD Threw up", so it's pretty safe to say it's happened once or twice...
Guess what happened on Monday.
"This is Mrs. Cyman..."
SHIT.
I must have actually said it because she started laughing.
Monday afternoon, night & Tuesday, condensed: Barf, barf, vomit, throw up, beg for stuff on tv. Barf. Wake up paranoid & twitching about having to go to school after having been "...awake all night...". Back to sleep. Recover, watch cartoons & play video games, recover, beg for real food. Get pb&j. Barf.
Damn it.
I have scrubbed his mattress, carpet in two bedrooms, stuffed animals, sheets & comforter, my sheets, towels, doors, walls, floors, cabinets, both toilets, two sinks AND a tub. Pretty sure that shit bleached out spots on my carpet, too...
Out of school again today & we've GOT to catch up. School work is collected... stupid, needlessly drawn out math homework is done & on to creative writing for the real fun. Today's inspiration is Degas's "Place de la Concorde", which is very cool because we usually get some funny ass picture of a squirrel in a baby bonnet riding a dog. By the time he slapped "The End" on it, he'd roped in Abraham Lincoln, a dog peeing on somebody's leg, swings, Chinese tv news & Godzilla.
I helped :-D
"And then Gojeeraahh attacks THAA BAABYYYYY! Aaaaaaa!" You better run, Small One. Craptastic naps only rile up the monster...Grrrraaaaaaaa!!!
*mutant T-Rex claw arms*
Fingers crossed for a tomorrow with all fluids in their rightful places...
Longer, leaner, faster, stronger!
Ashley
Guess what happened on Monday.
"This is Mrs. Cyman..."
SHIT.
I must have actually said it because she started laughing.
Monday afternoon, night & Tuesday, condensed: Barf, barf, vomit, throw up, beg for stuff on tv. Barf. Wake up paranoid & twitching about having to go to school after having been "...awake all night...". Back to sleep. Recover, watch cartoons & play video games, recover, beg for real food. Get pb&j. Barf.
Damn it.
I have scrubbed his mattress, carpet in two bedrooms, stuffed animals, sheets & comforter, my sheets, towels, doors, walls, floors, cabinets, both toilets, two sinks AND a tub. Pretty sure that shit bleached out spots on my carpet, too...
Out of school again today & we've GOT to catch up. School work is collected... stupid, needlessly drawn out math homework is done & on to creative writing for the real fun. Today's inspiration is Degas's "Place de la Concorde", which is very cool because we usually get some funny ass picture of a squirrel in a baby bonnet riding a dog. By the time he slapped "The End" on it, he'd roped in Abraham Lincoln, a dog peeing on somebody's leg, swings, Chinese tv news & Godzilla. I helped :-D
"And then Gojeeraahh attacks THAA BAABYYYYY! Aaaaaaa!" You better run, Small One. Craptastic naps only rile up the monster...Grrrraaaaaaaa!!!
*mutant T-Rex claw arms*
Fingers crossed for a tomorrow with all fluids in their rightful places...
Longer, leaner, faster, stronger!
Ashley
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