"What time are we gonna BE there?" & "How come it's gonna be late?!"
We just hit Ocala & it's started already.
"Ayeyayayayayayaya! Buhbuh...aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!" SCREECH! SCREEEEEEECH!
Oh this trip just got better.
KickkickkickkickkickkickSCREEEEECH!
"Somebody shove some damned chicken in that child's mouth!"
"I am the tuuurkey man. Tha turkey maaan. Tha turkey man. I am the tuuurkey man. Tha turkey..." Who's going to crack first with the song coming out of the back seat? Will he tire of singing it before I reach my limit??? I'm not hopeful - that kid has the ability to endlessly focus on one thing.
Is that a second verse? Lord.
SCREEEEECH!!! "Big! Chicken him!"
Only 6.5 more hrs...
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Griswold Family Thanksgiving Road Trip - part 1
All packed up & heading out on the road! Going to my parents' in Alabama...to Mississippi...back to Alabama...to Tuscaloosa...back to Mom & Dad's...& then back home to Florida. Little is a crap traveler, so there is ample opportunity for shit to go south...
In the car. Need gas. :-( Get gas. K's hungry, but Big informs me he's good. Get Chick-fil-A for K & feed it to him as we weave through traffic. "Safely".
We're going to die.
(Should this actually happen, in my newspaper obit, please make my passing the result of something more exciting like getting knifed in a transvestite turf war or a mysterious & tragic rodeo accident. Maybe a brief mention of the dead bird I almost stepped on today, but went around...because I care. And it was gross.)
Not 1 damned mile down the road, Big announces that he's "a little hungry" & starts rifling through the snack bag. God almighty!!
K's running 14 eBay auctions from the responsibility-free comfort of the front seat & there's more rustling in the snack bag in the backseat. It's going to rain damned M&M'S snack mix when he rolls this sonovabitch.
Perhaps include something about how I always liked to help people...?
I had a giant glass of wine before we left home, yet I can still feel little feet kick, Kick, KICKING the back of my seat. Curious.
On our way ;-)
In the car. Need gas. :-( Get gas. K's hungry, but Big informs me he's good. Get Chick-fil-A for K & feed it to him as we weave through traffic. "Safely".
We're going to die.
(Should this actually happen, in my newspaper obit, please make my passing the result of something more exciting like getting knifed in a transvestite turf war or a mysterious & tragic rodeo accident. Maybe a brief mention of the dead bird I almost stepped on today, but went around...because I care. And it was gross.)
Not 1 damned mile down the road, Big announces that he's "a little hungry" & starts rifling through the snack bag. God almighty!!
K's running 14 eBay auctions from the responsibility-free comfort of the front seat & there's more rustling in the snack bag in the backseat. It's going to rain damned M&M'S snack mix when he rolls this sonovabitch.
Perhaps include something about how I always liked to help people...?
I had a giant glass of wine before we left home, yet I can still feel little feet kick, Kick, KICKING the back of my seat. Curious.
On our way ;-)
Monday, November 12, 2012
A Real Boyfriend...
Saw this picture on Facebook & thought, "Ugh! THAT sounds awful..."
1. "Calls you for nothing..."
I have a strict No Calls policy that's only becoming more iron clad as I get older. Unless you absolutely cannot contain your message within the confines of a text, an email or a Facebook post/message, I'll allow it - but you'd better have a damned point. Get to it. Quickly.
2. "...texts you all the time..."
No ma'am. In the wise words of Sweet Brown, "Ain't nobody got time for that!" Quit being fucking needy & get to work.
3. "...wants to see you..."
I'm ok with this one, unless it's all the time, in which case, we'll probably break up.
4. "...cries..."
There are only a few instances in which I'm ok with you crying:
A) Death of a close family member
B) Birth of your children
C) Scoring the come-from-behind, winning touchdown in the big game with less than 1 minute left to play with a set of plays that shall be forever known as "The Drive" (Amen & Roll Tide!)
Other than that, you need to suck that shit up. There are few things more off-putting than a weepy male. Be a man. Go shoot something & have a beer.
Handle your damn business.
5. "...gets jealous..."
This is bullshit. It sounds like it'd be cute but it goes horribly wrong in practice & I have enough problems without having to worry about your baggage, too. Again, shouldn't you be working or working out or something other than fixating on me? Your issues smother me. Back the fuck up.
6. "...is over protective..."
No thank you. Stand up for me when needed. Shoot burglars & intimidate the weird neighbor who likes to randomly stand in my driveway. Creepy. P.S. Your yard smells like pee, Turtle Man. P.P.S. I wave at you every day so you'll decide that I'm nice & won't murder me when the spree eventually comes. I've got my "He was always so quiet..." news speech READY.
Anyway...Usually "over protective" is just a sweet way of saying "perp" which will eventually - probably sooner than later - bite you in the ass. Or plot to kidnap you at gunpoint after you break up..."I've got a map and a .38..." Delightfully heart warming, no? It's not love if it also qualifies as a felony. Somebody write that down.
7. "...loves you."
I'm cool with this one. Without the rest of that shit.
Can't handle it.
Longer, leaner, faster, stronger!
Ashley
1. "Calls you for nothing..."
I have a strict No Calls policy that's only becoming more iron clad as I get older. Unless you absolutely cannot contain your message within the confines of a text, an email or a Facebook post/message, I'll allow it - but you'd better have a damned point. Get to it. Quickly.
2. "...texts you all the time..."
No ma'am. In the wise words of Sweet Brown, "Ain't nobody got time for that!" Quit being fucking needy & get to work.
3. "...wants to see you..."
I'm ok with this one, unless it's all the time, in which case, we'll probably break up.
4. "...cries..."
There are only a few instances in which I'm ok with you crying:
A) Death of a close family member
B) Birth of your children
C) Scoring the come-from-behind, winning touchdown in the big game with less than 1 minute left to play with a set of plays that shall be forever known as "The Drive" (Amen & Roll Tide!)
Other than that, you need to suck that shit up. There are few things more off-putting than a weepy male. Be a man. Go shoot something & have a beer.
Handle your damn business.
5. "...gets jealous..."
This is bullshit. It sounds like it'd be cute but it goes horribly wrong in practice & I have enough problems without having to worry about your baggage, too. Again, shouldn't you be working or working out or something other than fixating on me? Your issues smother me. Back the fuck up.
6. "...is over protective..."
No thank you. Stand up for me when needed. Shoot burglars & intimidate the weird neighbor who likes to randomly stand in my driveway. Creepy. P.S. Your yard smells like pee, Turtle Man. P.P.S. I wave at you every day so you'll decide that I'm nice & won't murder me when the spree eventually comes. I've got my "He was always so quiet..." news speech READY.
Anyway...Usually "over protective" is just a sweet way of saying "perp" which will eventually - probably sooner than later - bite you in the ass. Or plot to kidnap you at gunpoint after you break up..."I've got a map and a .38..." Delightfully heart warming, no? It's not love if it also qualifies as a felony. Somebody write that down.
7. "...loves you."
I'm cool with this one. Without the rest of that shit.
Can't handle it.
Longer, leaner, faster, stronger!
Ashley
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Degas vs Godzilla
My oldest has this thing where he works himself up into a damned frenzy about whatever ("It's TOOOOOSDAY! OMG!") & throws up at school. Random ass vomit. The lunchroom seems to be his favorite, but he's been known to wreck a classroom or two...I even have the school nurse's extension programmed in as "MGD Threw up", so it's pretty safe to say it's happened once or twice...
Guess what happened on Monday.
"This is Mrs. Cyman..."
SHIT.
I must have actually said it because she started laughing.
Monday afternoon, night & Tuesday, condensed: Barf, barf, vomit, throw up, beg for stuff on tv. Barf. Wake up paranoid & twitching about having to go to school after having been "...awake all night...". Back to sleep. Recover, watch cartoons & play video games, recover, beg for real food. Get pb&j. Barf.
Damn it.
I have scrubbed his mattress, carpet in two bedrooms, stuffed animals, sheets & comforter, my sheets, towels, doors, walls, floors, cabinets, both toilets, two sinks AND a tub. Pretty sure that shit bleached out spots on my carpet, too...
Out of school again today & we've GOT to catch up. School work is collected... stupid, needlessly drawn out math homework is done & on to creative writing for the real fun. Today's inspiration is Degas's "Place de la Concorde", which is very cool because we usually get some funny ass picture of a squirrel in a baby bonnet riding a dog. By the time he slapped "The End" on it, he'd roped in Abraham Lincoln, a dog peeing on somebody's leg, swings, Chinese tv news & Godzilla.
I helped :-D
"And then Gojeeraahh attacks THAA BAABYYYYY! Aaaaaaa!" You better run, Small One. Craptastic naps only rile up the monster...Grrrraaaaaaaa!!!
*mutant T-Rex claw arms*
Fingers crossed for a tomorrow with all fluids in their rightful places...
Longer, leaner, faster, stronger!
Ashley
Guess what happened on Monday.
"This is Mrs. Cyman..."
SHIT.
I must have actually said it because she started laughing.
Monday afternoon, night & Tuesday, condensed: Barf, barf, vomit, throw up, beg for stuff on tv. Barf. Wake up paranoid & twitching about having to go to school after having been "...awake all night...". Back to sleep. Recover, watch cartoons & play video games, recover, beg for real food. Get pb&j. Barf.
Damn it.
I have scrubbed his mattress, carpet in two bedrooms, stuffed animals, sheets & comforter, my sheets, towels, doors, walls, floors, cabinets, both toilets, two sinks AND a tub. Pretty sure that shit bleached out spots on my carpet, too...
Out of school again today & we've GOT to catch up. School work is collected... stupid, needlessly drawn out math homework is done & on to creative writing for the real fun. Today's inspiration is Degas's "Place de la Concorde", which is very cool because we usually get some funny ass picture of a squirrel in a baby bonnet riding a dog. By the time he slapped "The End" on it, he'd roped in Abraham Lincoln, a dog peeing on somebody's leg, swings, Chinese tv news & Godzilla. I helped :-D
"And then Gojeeraahh attacks THAA BAABYYYYY! Aaaaaaa!" You better run, Small One. Craptastic naps only rile up the monster...Grrrraaaaaaaa!!!
*mutant T-Rex claw arms*
Fingers crossed for a tomorrow with all fluids in their rightful places...
Longer, leaner, faster, stronger!
Ashley
Friday, October 12, 2012
FYI, MiniZombie says we're out of tooth paste...
I've never been purposefully flashed.
Never, unless you count the 7 year old that can't seem to wear pjs AND take his vitamins at the same time...but we're working on that. (And by "working on that" I mean not at all, but trying to accept it as a constant...like soy milk on my floor & my chain smoking diet mtn dews.)
Not that I want to be flashed. It's usually the ones that need to keep their shit under wraps that are eager to run around in a shady trench coat, being sharers. TaaaaDaaaaa! PEEPS.
Probably the same people that go to nude beaches. No ma'am. Nothing you wanna see there. I don't need to see your burnt junk setting up for the spike. Unless I've been drinking & then it would probably be the best entertainment I'd had all day. "You! Not you...Cocktail Wiener over there...you can't bump worth shit." I would definitely not be cool. Tell your bitch to be cool...sorry. Can't. It's like IKEA - just can't get there from here.
I've had the "T-shirt only" discussion with K. GUYS T-shirt only. Just T-shirt and...dangle. I don't need that in my life & I can't handle it. "Are you punishing me for that zombie thing forever ago??!" I apologized for that. Mostly. Granted, I didn't mean it, but I gave an 85% kind of attempt at a straight face & practiced my sad, empathic eyes in the mirror. "I am super sorry that you have a for real, full-on irrational fear of a zombie attack. While I DID prey on your deepest fears & will laugh about it again in the future, please do not push me down in the unlikely event we are fleeing from a zombie horde.". With any luck, they'd eat the kids first anyway...
There was effort of some sort. And it's not like I let the zombie use his toothbrush.
Ok. I DID let the zombie use his toothbrush.
And I took a picture & sent it to him.
After I posted it on Facebook.
Keeping the romance alive...
Longer, leaner, faster, stronger!
Ashley
Never, unless you count the 7 year old that can't seem to wear pjs AND take his vitamins at the same time...but we're working on that. (And by "working on that" I mean not at all, but trying to accept it as a constant...like soy milk on my floor & my chain smoking diet mtn dews.)
Not that I want to be flashed. It's usually the ones that need to keep their shit under wraps that are eager to run around in a shady trench coat, being sharers. TaaaaDaaaaa! PEEPS.
Probably the same people that go to nude beaches. No ma'am. Nothing you wanna see there. I don't need to see your burnt junk setting up for the spike. Unless I've been drinking & then it would probably be the best entertainment I'd had all day. "You! Not you...Cocktail Wiener over there...you can't bump worth shit." I would definitely not be cool. Tell your bitch to be cool...sorry. Can't. It's like IKEA - just can't get there from here.
I've had the "T-shirt only" discussion with K. GUYS T-shirt only. Just T-shirt and...dangle. I don't need that in my life & I can't handle it. "Are you punishing me for that zombie thing forever ago??!" I apologized for that. Mostly. Granted, I didn't mean it, but I gave an 85% kind of attempt at a straight face & practiced my sad, empathic eyes in the mirror. "I am super sorry that you have a for real, full-on irrational fear of a zombie attack. While I DID prey on your deepest fears & will laugh about it again in the future, please do not push me down in the unlikely event we are fleeing from a zombie horde.". With any luck, they'd eat the kids first anyway...
There was effort of some sort. And it's not like I let the zombie use his toothbrush.
Ok. I DID let the zombie use his toothbrush.
And I took a picture & sent it to him.
After I posted it on Facebook.
Keeping the romance alive...
Longer, leaner, faster, stronger!
Ashley
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Boogey Fever
For as far back as I can remember, my aunt told me stories about the Hairy Arm That Lives Under The Bed, along with other some bullshit that she made up to completely screw with my toddler peanut brain...scared me shitless to even think about going outside after dark or to look in my closet...but funny now & completely worth scaring the bejesus out of my own kids with ;-)
Sometimes, though, she took shit a step further...
When I was 4, Auntie Dearest hid under my bed wearing a gorilla suit. She waited until I was returning from the bathroom & crawling back into the bed to reach out & grab my sweet baby ankle with her giant monkey hand.
Holy fuck.
It was a good thing that I'd already peed because I'd have WRECKED that damned costume.
Now, I'm 35 years old & I can't let a body part hang over the side of the bed. Leave a foot uncovered? No ma'am. HELLLL NO.
I have conversations with myself about it - "Ashley, you are a grown ass woman. Put your foot out. Do it now! You know good and damned well there ain't room for shit else under your bed with all the crap you've stuffed under there - much less a fucking gorilla boogeyman." Pep talk it up real good. And then I'm all "Yeah! Fuck you, Gorilla Boogeyman! I'll put my foot anywhere I good & damned well want to. Up yo' ass, if I feel like it, sonovabitch!"
Aaaaand then I snatch it back in & under the covers because I don't want to get my foot clawed.
Shamed.
A friend posted a pic of a freaky scary-ass clown murderer hiding under a bed on my Facebook page this week, not knowing that she'd pretty much nailed it ;-) Reminds me of a friend that I used to have that sent a now ex-friend of his a pissy birthday card after not being invited to his birthday party. "Happy birthday to you! (You were an accident) Happy birthday to you! (Your parents didn't want you) Hope you have an awesome day anyway!"...not realizing that the soon-to-be-ex friend was actually adopted...oops. My bad, dog.
Awkward.
**Note to self: Clean adult human-sized space out from underneath the boy's bed**
Longer, leaner, faster, stronger!
Ashley
Sometimes, though, she took shit a step further...
When I was 4, Auntie Dearest hid under my bed wearing a gorilla suit. She waited until I was returning from the bathroom & crawling back into the bed to reach out & grab my sweet baby ankle with her giant monkey hand.
Holy fuck.
It was a good thing that I'd already peed because I'd have WRECKED that damned costume.
Now, I'm 35 years old & I can't let a body part hang over the side of the bed. Leave a foot uncovered? No ma'am. HELLLL NO.
I have conversations with myself about it - "Ashley, you are a grown ass woman. Put your foot out. Do it now! You know good and damned well there ain't room for shit else under your bed with all the crap you've stuffed under there - much less a fucking gorilla boogeyman." Pep talk it up real good. And then I'm all "Yeah! Fuck you, Gorilla Boogeyman! I'll put my foot anywhere I good & damned well want to. Up yo' ass, if I feel like it, sonovabitch!"
Aaaaand then I snatch it back in & under the covers because I don't want to get my foot clawed.
Shamed.
A friend posted a pic of a freaky scary-ass clown murderer hiding under a bed on my Facebook page this week, not knowing that she'd pretty much nailed it ;-) Reminds me of a friend that I used to have that sent a now ex-friend of his a pissy birthday card after not being invited to his birthday party. "Happy birthday to you! (You were an accident) Happy birthday to you! (Your parents didn't want you) Hope you have an awesome day anyway!"...not realizing that the soon-to-be-ex friend was actually adopted...oops. My bad, dog.
Awkward.
**Note to self: Clean adult human-sized space out from underneath the boy's bed**
Longer, leaner, faster, stronger!
Ashley
Friday, October 5, 2012
Don't play dead...or was that DO play dead...?
Back at Cub Scouts. Den Mom forgot the key to our meeting space & so we're hanging out...outside...in the dark. Den Dad got the super brilliant idea to play catch with a damned baseball & it's only a matter of time before one of the cars they're standing next to loses some glass. "You! Get away from my car! You heard me!"
Not an athletic group.
Still outside & somebody just got hit. Game over.
AA won't let us in the building. I stand by my "AA-holes" assertion. I SEE YOU IN THERE!!!
Moving on to forward rolls. Wtf? How do 7 year olds not know how to do this? Mass complaining about sticks on the ground. My God. THIS is what happens when you don't let boys be boys - they turn into goddamned whiney girls. Where's the adventure? I haven't had to say "Put that stick down before you poke your eye out!" not the first damned time tonight. What are they doing with their time?
STILL outside...
Scraaaaaaaatch. I hate Cub Scouts.
I DO have cute hair, though, & a skort, so shit could be worse.
Aaaaand Den Mom's finally back with the key.
That's worse. I was hoping we'd get to leave early. :-/
Inside & it's just like the half hour we just spent outside jackassing around doesn't count towards time served. NOW we start the meeting.
Hate everyone here.
During the first aid talk, my suggestion to "just sever" wasn't well received. Then we somehow migrated over to bear attacks (""\(o_o)/"") Probably because I brought that shit up...then I told the new parents that we saw bears at the camp out last year...up close & personal. "They were all just hanging out all up in the tent area...just. right. there." ;-)
That MAY have been a MINOR exaggeration about what went down...
"You got a bear whistle, right?"
Diversionary snacks because of increasing bear panic. One kid gets bent because his Capri Sun got leaked on by another pouch. I want to squirt him with mine & tell him to shut the hell up.
Wuss.
Flags. Popcorn. Fire truck. Mmmhmm. Ok. Alright. Sure - whatever. Done? Yay!
What the hell did I just agree to buy?
Longer, leaner, faster, stronger!
Ashley
Not an athletic group.
Still outside & somebody just got hit. Game over.
AA won't let us in the building. I stand by my "AA-holes" assertion. I SEE YOU IN THERE!!!
Moving on to forward rolls. Wtf? How do 7 year olds not know how to do this? Mass complaining about sticks on the ground. My God. THIS is what happens when you don't let boys be boys - they turn into goddamned whiney girls. Where's the adventure? I haven't had to say "Put that stick down before you poke your eye out!" not the first damned time tonight. What are they doing with their time?
STILL outside...
Scraaaaaaaatch. I hate Cub Scouts.
I DO have cute hair, though, & a skort, so shit could be worse.
Aaaaand Den Mom's finally back with the key.
That's worse. I was hoping we'd get to leave early. :-/
Inside & it's just like the half hour we just spent outside jackassing around doesn't count towards time served. NOW we start the meeting.
Hate everyone here.
During the first aid talk, my suggestion to "just sever" wasn't well received. Then we somehow migrated over to bear attacks (""\(o_o)/"") Probably because I brought that shit up...then I told the new parents that we saw bears at the camp out last year...up close & personal. "They were all just hanging out all up in the tent area...just. right. there." ;-)
That MAY have been a MINOR exaggeration about what went down...
"You got a bear whistle, right?"
Diversionary snacks because of increasing bear panic. One kid gets bent because his Capri Sun got leaked on by another pouch. I want to squirt him with mine & tell him to shut the hell up.
Wuss.
Flags. Popcorn. Fire truck. Mmmhmm. Ok. Alright. Sure - whatever. Done? Yay!
What the hell did I just agree to buy?
Longer, leaner, faster, stronger!
Ashley
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Clawstian Grey's litter box needs cleaning...
Saw a list on Facebook from Pinterest that a woman posted. "101 Things To Do With Your Husband"
**I have a Pinterest acct, but after having to wait forfuckingever for an invitation to join, I refuse to use it out of principle. Bull. Shit.**
I will, however, use the hell outta some Facebook. Anyway...the list.
"Apple picking"
Who the hell decided this was fun? There's a reason other people get paid to do this. It seems like it'd be all fun, but then there are bugs & the carrying & then somebody gets called a ShitBag & leaves the orchard in a huff. Luvvvvvv youuuuuuuu.....
"Holding hands in the mall"
My own personal vision of Hell so let's not if it's all the same to you. You know what IS fun in the mall? Buying me stuff. And the place with steak & french fries.
"Playing Monopoly"
Awesome. The game that ends with me in devastating little metal dog poverty & you sleeping on the couch, if I don't just wander off to the bathroom...hanging out with the hope you'll forget what we were doing & start watching TV instead.
"Read a book together"
No ma'am. The phrase "Just turn the goddamned page already..." is bound to bubble up. I don't want to read about war & I don't even know what I DO read these days. Cereal box. Shampoo bottle. Am I getting all the conditioning I need? Who the hell knows...
"Match socks together"
Negative. K is very...set...in his laundry ways. I like to leave a sock hanging out of the dresser just to mess with him. "Look at it...just hanging out there...drawer ajar... ;-) " He rotates his stock/I shove clothes in my drawers with a foot. That's pretty much how we operate. He overlooks a lot of shit ;-)
"Other shit that I don't want to do"
Etc.
Noticed the entire list was pretty much just stereotypical crappy girl stuff. No wonder they don't want to do it. Hell, I don't want to & I'm all ovaried up. Nowhere on that list was "make sandwiches". K's pretty damned fond of that. Or "eat cake". That's big at my house, too, & closely followed by "drink cold cold beer". And where was "Do it"? That's their favorite...& how I ended up with the small one and an iPad.
Just sayin'...you might get cool stuff ;-)...instead of ending up being married to some dude that likes to hold hands, read chick lit & wants to get a cat.
Cool stuff? Infinitely better.
Longer, leaner, faster, stronger!
Ashley
**I have a Pinterest acct, but after having to wait forfuckingever for an invitation to join, I refuse to use it out of principle. Bull. Shit.**
I will, however, use the hell outta some Facebook. Anyway...the list.
"Apple picking"
Who the hell decided this was fun? There's a reason other people get paid to do this. It seems like it'd be all fun, but then there are bugs & the carrying & then somebody gets called a ShitBag & leaves the orchard in a huff. Luvvvvvv youuuuuuuu.....
"Holding hands in the mall"
My own personal vision of Hell so let's not if it's all the same to you. You know what IS fun in the mall? Buying me stuff. And the place with steak & french fries.
"Playing Monopoly"
Awesome. The game that ends with me in devastating little metal dog poverty & you sleeping on the couch, if I don't just wander off to the bathroom...hanging out with the hope you'll forget what we were doing & start watching TV instead.
"Read a book together"
No ma'am. The phrase "Just turn the goddamned page already..." is bound to bubble up. I don't want to read about war & I don't even know what I DO read these days. Cereal box. Shampoo bottle. Am I getting all the conditioning I need? Who the hell knows...
"Match socks together"
Negative. K is very...set...in his laundry ways. I like to leave a sock hanging out of the dresser just to mess with him. "Look at it...just hanging out there...drawer ajar... ;-) " He rotates his stock/I shove clothes in my drawers with a foot. That's pretty much how we operate. He overlooks a lot of shit ;-)
"Other shit that I don't want to do"
Etc.
Noticed the entire list was pretty much just stereotypical crappy girl stuff. No wonder they don't want to do it. Hell, I don't want to & I'm all ovaried up. Nowhere on that list was "make sandwiches". K's pretty damned fond of that. Or "eat cake". That's big at my house, too, & closely followed by "drink cold cold beer". And where was "Do it"? That's their favorite...& how I ended up with the small one and an iPad.
Just sayin'...you might get cool stuff ;-)...instead of ending up being married to some dude that likes to hold hands, read chick lit & wants to get a cat.
Cool stuff? Infinitely better.
Longer, leaner, faster, stronger!
Ashley
Sunday, September 30, 2012
There's a good chance these might be pjs...
I love it. Birchbox wants me to "shake up my beauty routine". That's mighty fucking presumptuous on their part. Clearly, they have not laid eyes on this tired ass ghost of girl past. I'd probably have to actually have a beauty routine (outside of shower, wash face, slap on waterproof shit, stretchy headband to hold back the bangs I never should have gotten & rake the fur into a haphazard ponytail...& by "haphazard", I mean that I probably should have brushed it at some point today)...it's kinda like "Why bother when somebody's just going to spit on me soon anyway?".
I keep hoping that Stacy & Clinton are going to ambush me when I'm walking MGD to school...things are pretty damned busted then. Or maybe Oprah stages a style intervention for me at swim team. Or maybe I win damned Powerball & go all new money crazy. If I had people, my shit would look amazing every day. Every DAY. 24/7 of obscene new hotness.
I've got people now, but they aren't helpers. The big one wants to fight me in Panera, fart on me & then yell, "YaFACCCCCE!" as the answer to everything. Well you know what? Chicken Butt. Frog punch to the shoulder. That's what you get.
The small one...not a helper. Voted "Most Likely Poke Your Eye Out & Spit In The Socket" 7 months in a row. Always got to be in the bathroom with you. Chewing on cords & biting giant holes in the roll of toilet paper. Licking the damned toilet. Trying to stand up in the wet shower. Disappearing down the hall & bashing the sliding glass door with a stick. Spitter. Screamer. Newly & quietly obsessed with wedging himself behind the couch & ripping the surround sound cables out.
Jesus is testing me.
Old & busted in yoga pants. Beat down expression? Check.
At least my nails are done, right? Because that's going to distract everyone from...this. Like a giant rack. JUST LIKE a giant rack. Or a goat man.
Pig in rain boots. That's pretty damned distracting, too.
Busted.
Longer, leaner, faster, stronger!
Ashley
I keep hoping that Stacy & Clinton are going to ambush me when I'm walking MGD to school...things are pretty damned busted then. Or maybe Oprah stages a style intervention for me at swim team. Or maybe I win damned Powerball & go all new money crazy. If I had people, my shit would look amazing every day. Every DAY. 24/7 of obscene new hotness.
I've got people now, but they aren't helpers. The big one wants to fight me in Panera, fart on me & then yell, "YaFACCCCCE!" as the answer to everything. Well you know what? Chicken Butt. Frog punch to the shoulder. That's what you get.
The small one...not a helper. Voted "Most Likely Poke Your Eye Out & Spit In The Socket" 7 months in a row. Always got to be in the bathroom with you. Chewing on cords & biting giant holes in the roll of toilet paper. Licking the damned toilet. Trying to stand up in the wet shower. Disappearing down the hall & bashing the sliding glass door with a stick. Spitter. Screamer. Newly & quietly obsessed with wedging himself behind the couch & ripping the surround sound cables out.
Jesus is testing me.
Old & busted in yoga pants. Beat down expression? Check.
At least my nails are done, right? Because that's going to distract everyone from...this. Like a giant rack. JUST LIKE a giant rack. Or a goat man.
Pig in rain boots. That's pretty damned distracting, too.
Busted.
Longer, leaner, faster, stronger!
Ashley
Saturday, September 29, 2012
Baaa Ram Ewe
Saw a guy that looked like a full-on minotaur goat man in reverse at the gym this morning. With white bike tights on. Everybody knows that if you're going to rock the spandex shorts, they have to be tiny and black, Goatee. Innocent bystanders running the risk of being bird watchers...BABY bird :-O
His eyes are up HERE, ladies & that peeps don't need a drink.
Baaaaaaa...
THAT and the prospect of being jacked up for a few days by lifting with friends made me miss Game Day this morning. Which I don't like to do normally, but...beer...meat...cake...& the hub has a strict NFC rule, so got to keep my shit tight if I hope to weasel a sweet ass minivan out of him...seeing as how I can't finance one with PB&J...But football...I like football. A lot. I like beer and meat and babies that entertain themselves while the game is on. Which is all day on Saturday. Boat seems to know what's expected of him & quietly breaks non-essential shit. Like the closet doors in the front hall, DAMN IT! He knows I'm not getting up. (I might get up) Spray nasty soy milk all over the front of the IKEA entertainment center that took 4 trips and Google translator to assemble? Sure thing. (I won't get up for that)
I smell poop & it ain't my damned turn ;-)
P.S. There is no defense anywhere near Athens, GA today. UGA & UT have the most combined points in a SEC game. Ever. Richt & The Pants need to be ashamed of themselves.
P.P.S. 9:15PM is unacceptable as a start time for a game that's not on the west coast. Why in the hell we left that up to Ole Miss is beyond me. Ass. Holes. All of them. It better be an ass whupping by halftime because that's probably as long as I'll make it. Roll Tide zzzzzzzzzzzzz
Shit. He's crawling under the couch (I'll lean over for that...if he gets stuck)...
He's stuck.
Longer, leaner, faster, stronger!
Ashley
His eyes are up HERE, ladies & that peeps don't need a drink.
Baaaaaaa...
THAT and the prospect of being jacked up for a few days by lifting with friends made me miss Game Day this morning. Which I don't like to do normally, but...beer...meat...cake...& the hub has a strict NFC rule, so got to keep my shit tight if I hope to weasel a sweet ass minivan out of him...seeing as how I can't finance one with PB&J...But football...I like football. A lot. I like beer and meat and babies that entertain themselves while the game is on. Which is all day on Saturday. Boat seems to know what's expected of him & quietly breaks non-essential shit. Like the closet doors in the front hall, DAMN IT! He knows I'm not getting up. (I might get up) Spray nasty soy milk all over the front of the IKEA entertainment center that took 4 trips and Google translator to assemble? Sure thing. (I won't get up for that)
I smell poop & it ain't my damned turn ;-)P.S. There is no defense anywhere near Athens, GA today. UGA & UT have the most combined points in a SEC game. Ever. Richt & The Pants need to be ashamed of themselves.
P.P.S. 9:15PM is unacceptable as a start time for a game that's not on the west coast. Why in the hell we left that up to Ole Miss is beyond me. Ass. Holes. All of them. It better be an ass whupping by halftime because that's probably as long as I'll make it. Roll Tide zzzzzzzzzzzzz
Shit. He's crawling under the couch (I'll lean over for that...if he gets stuck)...
He's stuck.
Longer, leaner, faster, stronger!
Ashley
Friday, September 7, 2012
Hi. My name is Ashley & I'm a cub scout mom.
I generally dislike cub scout meetings. 7:30 on a Friday night? Come ON. Granted, it ain't like I'd be out doing some cool shit, but I just wouldn't be doing THIS if I thought I could get away with it.
Tonight, however, took a definite dog leg towards enjoyable...
We finally got done with all the formalities & discussing who can't have gluten (& heads up - I don't care. You'd better bring Spotty his own snack when it's my week because I made ZERO effort to remember which one he was) & I'll be damned if tonight's thing wasn't on basketball. Which I KILL at.
Turns out I will push a kid down if he tries to drive the lane..."Goddamn it! You drive like my fucking grandma. Get that weak shit outta here."
Ok. So nobody drove the lane & I didn't get the chance, but still...I wanted to push the big one down who kept whining about getting sweaty. He also had blinky light mandals on. Strike 2. I wanted to smack his normal looking dad for allowing THAT to happen.
Best part was that we meet at a church...where other groups meet...at the same time...in fully lit rooms with lots of realllly big windows. I was being friendly & waved :-) Because I'm super friendly like that. I also stared at them - a lot, since I was bored as hell at first & I'm generally ok with other people being uncomfortable. "Oh shit...that's AA". FYI - They aren't into waving back ;-) Unfriendly bunch...
AA-holes ;-D
Longer, leaner, faster, stronger!
Ashley
Tonight, however, took a definite dog leg towards enjoyable...
We finally got done with all the formalities & discussing who can't have gluten (& heads up - I don't care. You'd better bring Spotty his own snack when it's my week because I made ZERO effort to remember which one he was) & I'll be damned if tonight's thing wasn't on basketball. Which I KILL at. Turns out I will push a kid down if he tries to drive the lane..."Goddamn it! You drive like my fucking grandma. Get that weak shit outta here."
Ok. So nobody drove the lane & I didn't get the chance, but still...I wanted to push the big one down who kept whining about getting sweaty. He also had blinky light mandals on. Strike 2. I wanted to smack his normal looking dad for allowing THAT to happen.
Best part was that we meet at a church...where other groups meet...at the same time...in fully lit rooms with lots of realllly big windows. I was being friendly & waved :-) Because I'm super friendly like that. I also stared at them - a lot, since I was bored as hell at first & I'm generally ok with other people being uncomfortable. "Oh shit...that's AA". FYI - They aren't into waving back ;-) Unfriendly bunch...
AA-holes ;-D
Longer, leaner, faster, stronger!
Ashley
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Where's Thor when you need him?
I swear to God if I thought Little would be ok, I'd go to sleep in my folding chair.
53 more minutes to go.
Maybe we'll get some lightning. I already prayed for no football games here tonight & a close parking spot, so Jesus may be all done with me today. Might be like Aladdin - you only get 3 a day & I burned one earlier on this week's Bachelor Pad elimination. I should have been praying for these poor retarded people wearing pants & long sleeves that haven't heard that its a smooth humid 92*. I'm looking at one jackass wearing a damned sport coat right now...unless there's some goddamned magic in that Planet Smoothie cup that I am not aware of. Can't rule out magic. Or cocaine. Either way...
39 minutes...no lightning, yet. Running low on goldfish. Shit's going to go straight to unruly if we run out.
I should probably stop eating them...
Don't sit next to me. Don't sit next to me. Don't sit next to me. That's right, Swim Mom. Perch your irritating all-natural ass somewhere else. Keep it moving...away. And don't block my view of my kid doing his not-paying-attention (again) dance. Jesus.
22 minutes...nada. Looks like I'm SOL tonight. Sigh...
Longer, leaner, faster, stronger!
Ashley
53 more minutes to go.
Maybe we'll get some lightning. I already prayed for no football games here tonight & a close parking spot, so Jesus may be all done with me today. Might be like Aladdin - you only get 3 a day & I burned one earlier on this week's Bachelor Pad elimination. I should have been praying for these poor retarded people wearing pants & long sleeves that haven't heard that its a smooth humid 92*. I'm looking at one jackass wearing a damned sport coat right now...unless there's some goddamned magic in that Planet Smoothie cup that I am not aware of. Can't rule out magic. Or cocaine. Either way...
39 minutes...no lightning, yet. Running low on goldfish. Shit's going to go straight to unruly if we run out.
I should probably stop eating them...
Don't sit next to me. Don't sit next to me. Don't sit next to me. That's right, Swim Mom. Perch your irritating all-natural ass somewhere else. Keep it moving...away. And don't block my view of my kid doing his not-paying-attention (again) dance. Jesus.
22 minutes...nada. Looks like I'm SOL tonight. Sigh...
Longer, leaner, faster, stronger!
Ashley
Friday, August 31, 2012
If that part's the hand, where's The Finger? ;-)
Just a few suggestions to the delightful Michigan delegation here in support of their team...
1. Michigan ladies! Step up your game. A yellow shirt & navy pants do not make an acceptable travel game weekend outfit. Where are the sequins? Animal prints? Collegiate inspired purse & shoes? Shit! I even have on full makeup today AND my hair is done & I ain't even going anywhere near Cowboys Stadium. Write that down. Hell, my baby looks more outfitted than a lot of what I've seen. Be about your business, girls! Slap some hairspray on that thing & make with some gaudiness.
2. Pompous Michigan Asshole Old Guy Downstairs! I understand that YOUR stadium holds 114K & I am fucking ecstatic for you. Mine holds 110K AND I don't have to look at a bunch of UM assholes, so I'm calling that a win. You bitching about the Superdome ain't gonna change the fact that you weren't there for the National Championship last year. When WERE you at a National Championship game? Remind me because I can't seem to recall...
3. Everything else! Kiss my ass. Chances are, if you're from Michigan, you're a dick. Just sayin'.
Roll Tide!
Longer, leaner, faster, stronger!
Ashley
1. Michigan ladies! Step up your game. A yellow shirt & navy pants do not make an acceptable travel game weekend outfit. Where are the sequins? Animal prints? Collegiate inspired purse & shoes? Shit! I even have on full makeup today AND my hair is done & I ain't even going anywhere near Cowboys Stadium. Write that down. Hell, my baby looks more outfitted than a lot of what I've seen. Be about your business, girls! Slap some hairspray on that thing & make with some gaudiness.
2. Pompous Michigan Asshole Old Guy Downstairs! I understand that YOUR stadium holds 114K & I am fucking ecstatic for you. Mine holds 110K AND I don't have to look at a bunch of UM assholes, so I'm calling that a win. You bitching about the Superdome ain't gonna change the fact that you weren't there for the National Championship last year. When WERE you at a National Championship game? Remind me because I can't seem to recall...
3. Everything else! Kiss my ass. Chances are, if you're from Michigan, you're a dick. Just sayin'.
Roll Tide!
Longer, leaner, faster, stronger!
Ashley
Thursday, August 30, 2012
In the event of a water landing...
Traveling yesterday for the Bama-Michigan game in Dallas. Me, K & Boat - MGD's with his dad this weekend & seems to miss all the cool stuff...reminds me of when I used to travel alone with MGD. On Southwest, you get to pick your seats...I'd let him run wild while we were waiting to board & then once we got our family boarding on, I'd work his little ass into a frenzy so that no one would want to sit beside us. Free seat for the boy ;-). I'd withhold snacks...toys...whatever it took - when he got older, it was a game we both enjoyed. Now, The Scream Game will get you kicked off an airplane before you get a chance to board. But then? Free seat fucking GOLDMINE & that kid was (& still is) an amazing traveler. He'd take his seat, play with his toys, eat his snacks & take a nap. Karma's coming back to smack my ass with Boat. We play The Scream Game, but kid plays to WIN. Boat ain't fucking around, people. Prime. Time. Playa. Doesn't sit still worth shit & will drop a damned donkey in his diaper. Ever changed a duced out diaper in an airplane bathroom? K has now ;-) I swear to God, I don't see how anybody manages to join any sort of club in one of those things. Fabrications. Ain't a goddamned thing happening in there. Can't be. Unless the 2 people are super short (stackable!) or super skinny...but who wants to think about that? It's like 2 sticks trying to start a campfire...
We finally got to DFW!!! That kid wore me the fuck OUT. Half a smidge of damned nap & that was while we waited FORFUCKINGEVER to take off. Wasted. Thanks. And we had to sit next to some Michigan guy. Your hand ain't enough of a blinder or sound barrier to block out this boy. Sorry ;-). We practiced our "Roll TIIIIIDE!"s. A lot. Loudly. Got a "Tiiii" out of Boat for the 1st time. His father's upset. I couldn't be prouder ;-)
Luggage took forever. Or maybe they just lull you into thinking it's just gonna be right there because you come off the jetway into a crowded as shit too small waiting area, walk through a revolving door & Poof! Luggage carousel! It takes a few minutes, but i slowly started to realize they were just fucking with us. It just sits there until I started having thoughts like, "Somebody better start this goddamned carousel before I monkey my ass down that chute!" And then my husband took his shoes off...at baggage claim. Seriously? What the fuck is going on here? Are we animals? Who's in charge? P.S. my suitcase is awesome. Giant & houndstooth...Gotta eyeball that thing just in case somebody gets the bright idea to scoot on with it...
I have never seen a bigger, more spread out airport than DFW. PTL the hotel shuttle guy knew where the hell he was going because I'd have declared an IKEA - "I can't get there from here. I can see it, no goddamn clue how to get there. Either you're gonna have to keep my kid or you send him over the wall." Within 5 minutes of checking into the hotel, Boat figured out how to disassemble the air conditioner & unplugged the lamps.
Passed OUT during the SC - Vandy game. Went to sleep thinking about how James Franklin should have had them review that pass interference & wondering why in the hell he didn't??? I hope he got a brick through his window when he got home...But he probably didn't because nobody cares that much about it up there. That's why you're Vanderbilt. Wuss. If you wanted a football team, you'd be elsewhere. Like Alabama.
Roll Tide!
Longer, leaner, faster, stronger!
Ashley
We finally got to DFW!!! That kid wore me the fuck OUT. Half a smidge of damned nap & that was while we waited FORFUCKINGEVER to take off. Wasted. Thanks. And we had to sit next to some Michigan guy. Your hand ain't enough of a blinder or sound barrier to block out this boy. Sorry ;-). We practiced our "Roll TIIIIIDE!"s. A lot. Loudly. Got a "Tiiii" out of Boat for the 1st time. His father's upset. I couldn't be prouder ;-)
Luggage took forever. Or maybe they just lull you into thinking it's just gonna be right there because you come off the jetway into a crowded as shit too small waiting area, walk through a revolving door & Poof! Luggage carousel! It takes a few minutes, but i slowly started to realize they were just fucking with us. It just sits there until I started having thoughts like, "Somebody better start this goddamned carousel before I monkey my ass down that chute!" And then my husband took his shoes off...at baggage claim. Seriously? What the fuck is going on here? Are we animals? Who's in charge? P.S. my suitcase is awesome. Giant & houndstooth...Gotta eyeball that thing just in case somebody gets the bright idea to scoot on with it...
I have never seen a bigger, more spread out airport than DFW. PTL the hotel shuttle guy knew where the hell he was going because I'd have declared an IKEA - "I can't get there from here. I can see it, no goddamn clue how to get there. Either you're gonna have to keep my kid or you send him over the wall." Within 5 minutes of checking into the hotel, Boat figured out how to disassemble the air conditioner & unplugged the lamps.
Passed OUT during the SC - Vandy game. Went to sleep thinking about how James Franklin should have had them review that pass interference & wondering why in the hell he didn't??? I hope he got a brick through his window when he got home...But he probably didn't because nobody cares that much about it up there. That's why you're Vanderbilt. Wuss. If you wanted a football team, you'd be elsewhere. Like Alabama.
Roll Tide!
Longer, leaner, faster, stronger!
Ashley
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Jiggly Caliente - May I call you Jiggly?
"Please, Jesus, let that woman have a penis..."
Just saw what I sincerely hope was a bad tranny. To clarify, transvestites are a part of my Big Three. Three things will ALWAYS stop me in my tracks - Trannies, Hookers & Midgets. No offense if you're any of these, but God help me if I am ever blessed enough to witness all 3 in 1 neat little package, I will pee my damned pants on the spot.
Got my nails done today ALONE, which was fantastic enough, but then...Best nail time ever. Swear to God, Big Ang with giant, super shitty bleached out hair, half a dress and old lady "heels" (and a peeps...unless Big Ang already has a peeps, then pretty much the same person) came in for a mani/pedi with her unsuspecting boyfriend. Now I don't speak Vietnamese, but I'm pretty sure that the nail ladies were speculating the same thing, along with calling the boyfriend "MarioLuigi" (fair assessment). I feel pretty certain that MarioLuigi had to have been attracted to/blinded by the individual female-like elements instead of the whole, draggy package.
If this was a full-on woman, she needs to be ashamed of herself. Granted, I don't do worth a damn to work my potential (I'm gradually easing into "trying"), but shit, girl. Put an end to this F5 frenzy. It was like looking at an aging Jersey Shore caricature just walking around getting her GTL on...with a dink. Fist pump 2 times if you can hear me!
If it's Dudes on Parade, somebody needs to slap that bitch. Quit half-assing it - the world has plenty of unattractive women already. Get with the pretty or get the fuck out, Dong Dong.
Longer, leaner, faster, stronger!
Ashley
Just saw what I sincerely hope was a bad tranny. To clarify, transvestites are a part of my Big Three. Three things will ALWAYS stop me in my tracks - Trannies, Hookers & Midgets. No offense if you're any of these, but God help me if I am ever blessed enough to witness all 3 in 1 neat little package, I will pee my damned pants on the spot.
Got my nails done today ALONE, which was fantastic enough, but then...Best nail time ever. Swear to God, Big Ang with giant, super shitty bleached out hair, half a dress and old lady "heels" (and a peeps...unless Big Ang already has a peeps, then pretty much the same person) came in for a mani/pedi with her unsuspecting boyfriend. Now I don't speak Vietnamese, but I'm pretty sure that the nail ladies were speculating the same thing, along with calling the boyfriend "MarioLuigi" (fair assessment). I feel pretty certain that MarioLuigi had to have been attracted to/blinded by the individual female-like elements instead of the whole, draggy package. If this was a full-on woman, she needs to be ashamed of herself. Granted, I don't do worth a damn to work my potential (I'm gradually easing into "trying"), but shit, girl. Put an end to this F5 frenzy. It was like looking at an aging Jersey Shore caricature just walking around getting her GTL on...with a dink. Fist pump 2 times if you can hear me!
If it's Dudes on Parade, somebody needs to slap that bitch. Quit half-assing it - the world has plenty of unattractive women already. Get with the pretty or get the fuck out, Dong Dong.
Longer, leaner, faster, stronger!
Ashley
Monday, August 27, 2012
The Move
Was contacted yesterday about maybe teaching again. Conflicted. On one hand, I've done a shit job of working out on my own for the past several days, thanks to Super Clingy Baby Man. That boy is like a foul tempered 27lb kettle bell that constantly moves by itself & tries to scratch your eyes out. On the other, I'm constantly amazed at how much damned work not-working is. Teaching ensures that I get up off my dead ass & actually leave the house. Not teaching means the house looks like an actual family (& not heathen squatters) lives there...more often than it used to. Although I look around at the end of the day & think "What the fuck did I do today?" because it looks like the answer is "a whole lotta not a goddamned thing."
Turns out, I don't leave the house more than I absolutely have to & that apparently doesn't bother me in the slightest...until I see pictures on Facebook of other grownups doing cool shit that I am not doing...THEN I have to remind myself that it only looks like fun because I'm not actually doing it. I don't like anything that involves waiting for goats to amble out of the "street" or eating mayonnaise based salads that have been sitting out in 3rd world heat for hours. With chickens just loose & shit. I like a nice, clean resort. Controlled environment with AC & indoor plumbing. Peeps invading parasite-free pools & ready booze that ain't rum punch. Why the hell is that all they ever have on a catamaran tour? Ass loads of rum punch and Heineken. Go figure.
*Side Note: Rum & I don't get along anymore after an unfortunate set of circumstances once upon a time on a planet far, far away. Not even a grilled cheese sounded good afterwards, so you know it was some crazy bad times involving an Attempted Boyfriend Jacking HoBag. Telling her sweetie back home (who had just driven 14 hrs to pick her up) how she was the ragged out fraternity bicycle? Priceless. Sometimes, shit just slips out in the outside voice & the next thing you know, it's the longest fucking car ride of her life...if he didn't actually put her out like I would have. Foot patrol. Ludacris wouldn't put up with that shit and neither would I - Keep it strong!
Like the Beastie Boys said, "No time like the present to work shit out..." ;-)
Picked a hell of a day to attempt going off diet mtn dew...4 hours in, I'm declaring it a dumbass idea. I tend to chain smoke those things & then think things like "Ohmygod. Youshouldquitthat. Here's some questionable looking shit in a little squeezy bottle - let's try that instead.". And it always turns out poorly...
Longer, leaner, faster, stronger!
Ashley
Turns out, I don't leave the house more than I absolutely have to & that apparently doesn't bother me in the slightest...until I see pictures on Facebook of other grownups doing cool shit that I am not doing...THEN I have to remind myself that it only looks like fun because I'm not actually doing it. I don't like anything that involves waiting for goats to amble out of the "street" or eating mayonnaise based salads that have been sitting out in 3rd world heat for hours. With chickens just loose & shit. I like a nice, clean resort. Controlled environment with AC & indoor plumbing. Peeps invading parasite-free pools & ready booze that ain't rum punch. Why the hell is that all they ever have on a catamaran tour? Ass loads of rum punch and Heineken. Go figure.*Side Note: Rum & I don't get along anymore after an unfortunate set of circumstances once upon a time on a planet far, far away. Not even a grilled cheese sounded good afterwards, so you know it was some crazy bad times involving an Attempted Boyfriend Jacking HoBag. Telling her sweetie back home (who had just driven 14 hrs to pick her up) how she was the ragged out fraternity bicycle? Priceless. Sometimes, shit just slips out in the outside voice & the next thing you know, it's the longest fucking car ride of her life...if he didn't actually put her out like I would have. Foot patrol. Ludacris wouldn't put up with that shit and neither would I - Keep it strong!
Like the Beastie Boys said, "No time like the present to work shit out..." ;-)
Picked a hell of a day to attempt going off diet mtn dew...4 hours in, I'm declaring it a dumbass idea. I tend to chain smoke those things & then think things like "Ohmygod. Youshouldquitthat. Here's some questionable looking shit in a little squeezy bottle - let's try that instead.". And it always turns out poorly...
Longer, leaner, faster, stronger!
Ashley
Spend time with your kids so Peyton Manning doesn't have to
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BTW - made that thing in the picture yesterday and it sucked. Don't make it, even though it looks super enticing and you'd think that there's NO WAY to fuck up peanut butter, chocolate AND M&Ms...but you'd be wrong. It's like the Devil planted that stupid ass recipe on the side of that cake mix just to screw with you & be all "Haha! Gotcha bitch!"
Sucks. Sucks. Sucks. Sucks. Sucks.
Longer, leaner, faster, stronger!
Ashley
Saturday, August 25, 2012
You just blinded Sisqo. Great job, dude.
My husband (who is awesome) gives me super squishy cards only to get back cards with monkey asses and sticky sweet emotional sentiments like "Two thumbs up, dude". I just CAN'T & the hub's learned to work with it...instead of saying things like "I've got a gun and a map.". Heard THAT before. You know who you are, dumbass. Not as romantic as you'd think & kidnapping ME is never the answer, as enticing as I'm sure it sounds. I'm entertaining for only so long and then I get irritating. K can vouch for that. I've also inspired others to try to hit me with their car (2x, believe it or not), full-on cyber stalk & anonymously call me M-F for an entire semester to discuss the day's MacGyver rerun. "WTF, man? Are you a business major?!? Ain't no circuit on the fucking planet that's gonna be completed with a goddamned sandwich bag." Oh yes. "I like your car." Fantastic. No - it's totally cool. Just lurk there, Giant Creepy Man, while I teach class...NBD. Cue parking lot escort. Must stop being SO amazing that weirdos want to wear me like a suit. Would like to throw out there that I forget to wear lotion all of the time, so my skin is dry as hell. Just an FYI, sex perverts.
I have a girlfriend that made me go see the Phantom of the Opera movie with her some years back. Her: "I wanna be loved like that!" Me: "THAT is a felony." THAT also ends up wearing your underwear, sweetness, while you're away on a business trip, thanks to the key you gave him. Honey, I'm home...I TOLD you I hated him...want punch him...so much. I'm sure he still needs it...right in the throat. How are you gonna lecture me on being southern when your roly poly Pooh Bear ass is from Colorado AND probably wearing panties? No sir. Sit your shit down.
He had dumps like a truck truck truck...
Just the thought of having to sit through something like The Notebook or The Vow or God knows what else makes me all kinds of tense. "Stop it! Stop it - Jesus, WOMAN! Get your shit together! In a U-Haul!" Sniveling. Fuck it. If it's beyond a half-assed hug, a cocktail and a bunny balloon hat, I cannot handle it. Unless I reeeeeeally reeeeeeally like you, I won't handle it & become part of your problem. Shut up (fling chip) shut up (fling chip) Shut Up (fliiiing) Oh my GOD. Are you going to do something about it or just cry? P.S. You're an ugly cryer & I'm pretty sure your friend invited you out to look for guys...that you are now scaring away. Just a heads up, sug. Course of action, not a tissue.
I know you wanna show da na da na...That thong th thong thong thong...
Shit or get off the pot. Words to live by <3
Longer, leaner, faster, stronger!
Ashley
Friday, August 24, 2012
www.xxxsquatchlegs.com
Took the small one to storytime today. I hate the women that go to these things. But I go to these things...so I'm aloofly conflicted ;-) I know what you're about, MomOf2WeirdLookingSmallKids. Smug over some shit that you didn't even do. Oh he poops in the potty already? Fantastic. Sugarpants fingerpaints at a 3rd grade level? Awesome. Let's face it - you got drunk off some super potent margaritas and 9 months later...GeniusBabyAstronautSuperModel. I get it. I have 2 perfect children, myself ;-) I understand. But nobody cares. Not really. Your kids are not their kids, so fuck your kids. And the more you talk, the less inclined I am to rein in my juggernaut of a child. I will casually check facebook as he takes the book from BabyGenius. Didn't see a thing. AstronautSuperModel just lost her seat on the stage? I hate that...I really do...so much...inside. Keep talking and I'll let him dig through your Chanel purse behind your stroller and chew on the strap. I'm bigger than you, apparently way more assholey'ish & used to people staring at me, so bring it, Flash Cards.
BTW - Storytime Lady does not shave her legs. I think that if I were to commit to the "I'm never gonna shave my legs. Ever." lifestyle, I could manage to only wear pants...except maybe at home, where my man legs could run free. Can't say that it's a practical decision. Granted, there is the huge financial break of no razors and subsquent investment in Muppet bandaids, but still. That's got to be hot...temperature hot. Unless you're into that sort of thing, then I guess it would be supersexyfine.
Not working out today because Shaun T fucked up my back with his bastard ways and I did my hair...which rarely happens so I'm extremely inclined to drag this shit out until I look borderline homeless...again.
How the hell is my roast not done after - seriously - 6 hours? I keep poking at it & wishing for laser eyes. Then I thought, "If I had laser eyes, I wouldn't be cooking a goddamned thing. Ever." Just shooting holes in stuff, threatening people with it. Driving would be out of the question - I will already open my door a teensy bit too far if you park TOOFUCKINGCLOSE to my car because you can't park worth shit. And seriously, once you *GRAZE* the house with a front fender, it really just doesn't matter.
Maybe if I jiggle the cord...
Longer, leaner, faster, stronger!
Ashley
BTW - Storytime Lady does not shave her legs. I think that if I were to commit to the "I'm never gonna shave my legs. Ever." lifestyle, I could manage to only wear pants...except maybe at home, where my man legs could run free. Can't say that it's a practical decision. Granted, there is the huge financial break of no razors and subsquent investment in Muppet bandaids, but still. That's got to be hot...temperature hot. Unless you're into that sort of thing, then I guess it would be supersexyfine.
Not working out today because Shaun T fucked up my back with his bastard ways and I did my hair...which rarely happens so I'm extremely inclined to drag this shit out until I look borderline homeless...again.
How the hell is my roast not done after - seriously - 6 hours? I keep poking at it & wishing for laser eyes. Then I thought, "If I had laser eyes, I wouldn't be cooking a goddamned thing. Ever." Just shooting holes in stuff, threatening people with it. Driving would be out of the question - I will already open my door a teensy bit too far if you park TOOFUCKINGCLOSE to my car because you can't park worth shit. And seriously, once you *GRAZE* the house with a front fender, it really just doesn't matter.
Maybe if I jiggle the cord...
Longer, leaner, faster, stronger!
Ashley
Charity starts at home ;-)
I have a friend who says she waaaants to workout. She lies. She WANTS to drink & read lady porn. Hustling that ass ain't even top 10 ;-) This is what I say to you, sweet friend - you don't have to want
to do it to do it. Not following? Let me frame it in a way I'm sure you can work with...let's say you used to be married to a total shitbag. Hypothetically. And I'm sure there was probably AT LEAST
one charity bang during that. Didn't want to. Did it anyway. With me? ;-) Exercise = pity sex (in the beginning...but then you sorta get into it because there's nothing good on tv...wait...what?)
Get down on it...get down on it...get down onnnn it...Shaanaaanananaaa!
So go. Move. Now <3
Longer, leaner, faster, stronger!
Ashley
to do it to do it. Not following? Let me frame it in a way I'm sure you can work with...let's say you used to be married to a total shitbag. Hypothetically. And I'm sure there was probably AT LEAST
one charity bang during that. Didn't want to. Did it anyway. With me? ;-) Exercise = pity sex (in the beginning...but then you sorta get into it because there's nothing good on tv...wait...what?)
Get down on it...get down on it...get down onnnn it...Shaanaaanananaaa!
So go. Move. Now <3
Longer, leaner, faster, stronger!
Ashley
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Insanity, INSANITY and just foolishness
Two days ago, I had the brilliant idea to start INSANITY. First off - Shaun T - put a shirt on. While you'd think that him, in all his shirtless glory, would be awesome, it's just not helpful. What would be suuuuper helpful is a timer that went faster. I eyeball that thing something fierce. Work on that, Junior Mr. T. (Maybe he pitties the fool. Hard to say. Clearly, he takes no issue with spitters, nasty girl on the left.)
I started this thing on Tuesday. Even printed out the Insanity calendar so I could check off my progress. "Alright! Fit tesssssst!" I've seen the program on YouTube before & was certain I was about to be staring death in the face. But it's a fit test & I'm a fit girl...should be able to kick its ass, right? Two things: 1. Cardio is the 1st thing to go when you overhaul your program in favor of "kinder & gentler" and 2. Mutherfucker!?*! There's no yoga on the planet that's gonna prepare you for this. Rolling sweat. Sucking wind. Shiiiiiiit...but basically ok ;-)
Wednesday. Plyosomething and Other Stuff. According to some dude named Charles, this one's the worst ever. I was sweaty and breathing hard during the warm up. 3/4 of the way through, I was face down on the carpet in child's pose & thinking that if I didn't swallow back the vomit, I'd have to clean the carpet. Later. Which I really don't want to do. I cussed myself to a vertical position and made it through, only to wake up at 4:30 this morning gagging. Not cool. I STILL don't feel right...but looking at a picture I found of a black woman yelling, "Y'all mothafuckas need Jesus" made me laugh until I felt sick again. Totally worth it ;-)
Cardio Power & Resistance was today & I made it through the warm up/stretching before the Chunk woke up from his nap waaaay early. I was all, "Damn. The baby's awake. Guess I'll have to finish this later... :-) " Not feeling Chocolate Thunder today, shirt or no shirt, and since I have to go BACK to the camping store for some cub scout hat I forgot, swim team & then the cub scout pack meeting...yeah. Yoga. Maybe. Besides, the campy store was distracting me with all their tree-hugging crazy expensive stuff that I NEED. Like weird flipflops...and million dollar patagonia sundresses that really aren't as cute as they Jedi mind trick you into thinking they are..."peeeeee outsiiiiide. peeeeeee outsiiiiiiiide" Campy store has apparently already infiltrated the swim mom set cause it's nothing but boxy earthy tones, capris and Chacos as far as the eye can see on that swim deck. If you've been there, you know what the hell I'm talking about.
I am, however, in dire need of a Razor scooter. Tore ass on that thing going to go pick up the big one from school this afternoon. Started jumping curbs and shit. Still got all my toes and skin. Apparently, I feel the same way about scooter brakes as I do about rollerblade brakes - don't use 'em cause that's the dangerous part. That's what the good Lord invented grass for anyway...He (big) wouldn't let me ride it back :-/ Stingy!
Ugh...I look like shit and it's time to head out. At least the eye people got up off it and actually did something right for once & got my contacts in so I can quit wearing my glasses. I hate these people. I've cussed them BAD at least twice...but I'm too lazy to change horses right now.
Dykes OUT.
Longer, leaner, faster. stronger!
Ashley
I started this thing on Tuesday. Even printed out the Insanity calendar so I could check off my progress. "Alright! Fit tesssssst!" I've seen the program on YouTube before & was certain I was about to be staring death in the face. But it's a fit test & I'm a fit girl...should be able to kick its ass, right? Two things: 1. Cardio is the 1st thing to go when you overhaul your program in favor of "kinder & gentler" and 2. Mutherfucker!?*! There's no yoga on the planet that's gonna prepare you for this. Rolling sweat. Sucking wind. Shiiiiiiit...but basically ok ;-)
Wednesday. Plyosomething and Other Stuff. According to some dude named Charles, this one's the worst ever. I was sweaty and breathing hard during the warm up. 3/4 of the way through, I was face down on the carpet in child's pose & thinking that if I didn't swallow back the vomit, I'd have to clean the carpet. Later. Which I really don't want to do. I cussed myself to a vertical position and made it through, only to wake up at 4:30 this morning gagging. Not cool. I STILL don't feel right...but looking at a picture I found of a black woman yelling, "Y'all mothafuckas need Jesus" made me laugh until I felt sick again. Totally worth it ;-)
Cardio Power & Resistance was today & I made it through the warm up/stretching before the Chunk woke up from his nap waaaay early. I was all, "Damn. The baby's awake. Guess I'll have to finish this later... :-) " Not feeling Chocolate Thunder today, shirt or no shirt, and since I have to go BACK to the camping store for some cub scout hat I forgot, swim team & then the cub scout pack meeting...yeah. Yoga. Maybe. Besides, the campy store was distracting me with all their tree-hugging crazy expensive stuff that I NEED. Like weird flipflops...and million dollar patagonia sundresses that really aren't as cute as they Jedi mind trick you into thinking they are..."peeeeee outsiiiiide. peeeeeee outsiiiiiiiide" Campy store has apparently already infiltrated the swim mom set cause it's nothing but boxy earthy tones, capris and Chacos as far as the eye can see on that swim deck. If you've been there, you know what the hell I'm talking about.
I am, however, in dire need of a Razor scooter. Tore ass on that thing going to go pick up the big one from school this afternoon. Started jumping curbs and shit. Still got all my toes and skin. Apparently, I feel the same way about scooter brakes as I do about rollerblade brakes - don't use 'em cause that's the dangerous part. That's what the good Lord invented grass for anyway...He (big) wouldn't let me ride it back :-/ Stingy!
Ugh...I look like shit and it's time to head out. At least the eye people got up off it and actually did something right for once & got my contacts in so I can quit wearing my glasses. I hate these people. I've cussed them BAD at least twice...but I'm too lazy to change horses right now.
Dykes OUT.
Longer, leaner, faster. stronger!
Ashley
So I flipped my gym the bird...
So I used to be a group exercise instructor. I used to be a lot of things, but this one was my favorite. Yelling at people...wearing sparkle shoes...Inappropriate Touch Tuesdays...all good. I still get to yell at people but I'll be damned if I can get them to comply with my demands. Kinda frowned upon to jump on your 7 year old's back while he does pushups..."What?? Eating dinner doesn't seem so hard now, does it?!?" Yeah...not so much ;-)
Lalalalalaaaaaa! Cue evil corporate takeover music...My lovely gym with all it's cleanliness & love & warm fuzzies was bought out. I think, "I've worked at super sucky places before - I've got this. No big deal." Turns out, BIG fucking deal. They ditched our lovey day care staff so my kids were getting beat the fuck up. They started monkeying around with the class schedule & if you couldn't make class? So what! Cancel it cause nobody went to the website to see if maybe you might need a sub. They quit maintaing the clubs so small, insignificant things...like air conditioning...went out and stayed out for WEEKS...like 4 weeks and counting. And it's like a bajillion goddamned degrees outside. By the way. Oh and they stopped cleaning. Just stopped. One of my friends put a water bottle wrapper on a hook by the indoor pool 4 weeks ago - hanging out in front of God & everybody...and it was still there yesterday. Shit is nasty.
Anyway...I quit. Child safety and the fact that they clearly don't give a fuck. OUT. What sucks is that means pretty much no more teaching for me, since I don't want to go back to the Y and, at last check, Gold's is still harboring a grudge.
Now, I get to keep my shit tight at home...and alone! Hell, "alone" if I'm lucky. MommmaMommaMooooooom! Oh my GOD. Go away...don't you have toys to break...or - even better - go watch that stupid cartoon with that orange. Yeah...gonna be imitating THAT all afternoon forever . Hate that stupid ass cartoon. SHIT TIGHT AT HOME. Walking to and from school...in the bajillion degrees...random yoga on youtube so that I can attempt to undo some of the things that I've done to myself (which are now looking pretty damned dumb in hindsight) over the past 7'ish years. Touching my toes again is pretty high on my list, as is standing upright & not hobbling around like I'm about to kick off. I'm not a zen individual, so you can imagine how well yoga goes...
I'm calm - can't you fucking see that?!? ;-)
Longer, leaner, faster, stronger!
Ashley
Lalalalalaaaaaa! Cue evil corporate takeover music...My lovely gym with all it's cleanliness & love & warm fuzzies was bought out. I think, "I've worked at super sucky places before - I've got this. No big deal." Turns out, BIG fucking deal. They ditched our lovey day care staff so my kids were getting beat the fuck up. They started monkeying around with the class schedule & if you couldn't make class? So what! Cancel it cause nobody went to the website to see if maybe you might need a sub. They quit maintaing the clubs so small, insignificant things...like air conditioning...went out and stayed out for WEEKS...like 4 weeks and counting. And it's like a bajillion goddamned degrees outside. By the way. Oh and they stopped cleaning. Just stopped. One of my friends put a water bottle wrapper on a hook by the indoor pool 4 weeks ago - hanging out in front of God & everybody...and it was still there yesterday. Shit is nasty.
Anyway...I quit. Child safety and the fact that they clearly don't give a fuck. OUT. What sucks is that means pretty much no more teaching for me, since I don't want to go back to the Y and, at last check, Gold's is still harboring a grudge.
Now, I get to keep my shit tight at home...and alone! Hell, "alone" if I'm lucky. MommmaMommaMooooooom! Oh my GOD. Go away...don't you have toys to break...or - even better - go watch that stupid cartoon with that orange. Yeah...gonna be imitating THAT all afternoon forever . Hate that stupid ass cartoon. SHIT TIGHT AT HOME. Walking to and from school...in the bajillion degrees...random yoga on youtube so that I can attempt to undo some of the things that I've done to myself (which are now looking pretty damned dumb in hindsight) over the past 7'ish years. Touching my toes again is pretty high on my list, as is standing upright & not hobbling around like I'm about to kick off. I'm not a zen individual, so you can imagine how well yoga goes...
I'm calm - can't you fucking see that?!? ;-)
Longer, leaner, faster, stronger!
Ashley
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