Boogey Fever

For as far back as I can remember, my aunt told me stories about the Hairy Arm That Lives Under The Bed, along with other some bullshit that she made up to completely screw with my toddler peanut brain...scared me shitless to even think about going outside after dark or to look in my closet...but funny now & completely worth scaring the bejesus out of my own kids with ;-)

Sometimes, though, she took shit a step further...

When I was 4, Auntie Dearest hid under my bed wearing a gorilla suit. She waited until I was returning from the bathroom & crawling back into the bed to reach out & grab my sweet baby ankle with her giant monkey hand.

Holy fuck.

It was a good thing that I'd already peed because I'd have WRECKED that damned costume.

Now, I'm 35 years old & I can't let a body part hang over the side of the bed. Leave a foot uncovered? No ma'am. HELLLL NO.

I have conversations with myself about it - "Ashley, you are a grown ass woman. Put your foot out. Do it now! You know good and damned well there ain't room for shit else under your bed with all the crap you've stuffed under there - much less a fucking gorilla boogeyman." Pep talk it up real good. And then I'm all "Yeah! Fuck you, Gorilla Boogeyman! I'll put my foot anywhere I good & damned well want to. Up yo' ass, if I feel like it, sonovabitch!"

Aaaaand then I snatch it back in & under the covers because I don't want to get my foot clawed.

Shamed.

A friend posted a pic of a freaky scary-ass clown murderer hiding under a bed on my Facebook page this week, not knowing that she'd pretty much nailed it ;-) Reminds me of a friend that I used to have that sent a now ex-friend of his a pissy birthday card after not being invited to his birthday party. "Happy birthday to you! (You were an accident) Happy birthday to you! (Your parents didn't want you) Hope you have an awesome day anyway!"...not realizing that the soon-to-be-ex friend was actually adopted...oops. My bad, dog.

Awkward.

**Note to self: Clean adult human-sized space out from underneath the boy's bed**

Longer, leaner, faster, stronger!
Ashley