If that part's the hand, where's The Finger? ;-)

Just a few suggestions to the delightful Michigan delegation here in support of their team...

1.  Michigan ladies!  Step up your game.  A yellow shirt & navy pants do not make an acceptable travel game weekend outfit.  Where are the sequins?  Animal prints?  Collegiate inspired purse & shoes?  Shit!  I even have on full makeup today AND my hair is done & I ain't even going anywhere near Cowboys Stadium.  Write that down.  Hell, my baby looks more outfitted than a lot of what I've seen.  Be about your business, girls!  Slap some hairspray on that thing & make with some gaudiness.

2.  Pompous Michigan Asshole Old Guy Downstairs!  I understand that YOUR stadium holds 114K & I am fucking ecstatic for you.  Mine holds 110K AND I don't have to look at a bunch of UM assholes, so I'm calling that a win.  You bitching about the Superdome ain't gonna change the fact that you weren't there for the National Championship last year.  When WERE you at a National Championship game?  Remind me because I can't seem to recall...

3.  Everything else!  Kiss my ass.  Chances are, if you're from Michigan, you're a dick.  Just sayin'.

Roll Tide!

Longer, leaner, faster, stronger!
Ashley

In the event of a water landing...

Traveling yesterday for the Bama-Michigan game in Dallas. Me, K & Boat - MGD's with his dad this weekend & seems to miss all the cool stuff...reminds me of when I used to travel alone with MGD. On Southwest, you get to pick your seats...I'd let him run wild while we were waiting to board & then once we got our family boarding on, I'd work his little ass into a frenzy so that no one would want to sit beside us. Free seat for the boy ;-). I'd withhold snacks...toys...whatever it took - when he got older, it was a game we both enjoyed. Now, The Scream Game will get you kicked off an airplane before you get a chance to board. But then? Free seat fucking GOLDMINE & that kid was (& still is) an amazing traveler. He'd take his seat, play with his toys, eat his snacks & take a nap. Karma's coming back to smack my ass with Boat. We play The Scream Game, but kid plays to WIN. Boat ain't fucking around, people. Prime. Time. Playa. Doesn't sit still worth shit & will drop a damned donkey in his diaper. Ever changed a duced out diaper in an airplane bathroom? K has now ;-) I swear to God, I don't see how anybody manages to join any sort of club in one of those things. Fabrications. Ain't a goddamned thing happening in there. Can't be. Unless the 2 people are super short (stackable!) or super skinny...but who wants to think about that? It's like 2 sticks trying to start a campfire...

We finally got to DFW!!! That kid wore me the fuck OUT. Half a smidge of damned nap & that was while we waited FORFUCKINGEVER to take off. Wasted. Thanks. And we had to sit next to some Michigan guy. Your hand ain't enough of a blinder or sound barrier to block out this boy. Sorry ;-). We practiced our "Roll TIIIIIDE!"s. A lot. Loudly. Got a "Tiiii" out of Boat for the 1st time. His father's upset. I couldn't be prouder ;-)

Luggage took forever. Or maybe they just lull you into thinking it's just gonna be right there because you come off the jetway into a crowded as shit too small waiting area, walk through a revolving door & Poof! Luggage carousel! It takes a few minutes, but i slowly started to realize they were just fucking with us. It just sits there until I started having thoughts like, "Somebody better start this goddamned carousel before I monkey my ass down that chute!" And then my husband took his shoes off...at baggage claim. Seriously? What the fuck is going on here? Are we animals? Who's in charge? P.S. my suitcase is awesome. Giant & houndstooth...Gotta eyeball that thing just in case somebody gets the bright idea to scoot on with it...

I have never seen a bigger, more spread out airport than DFW. PTL the hotel shuttle guy knew where the hell he was going because I'd have declared an IKEA - "I can't get there from here. I can see it, no goddamn clue how to get there. Either you're gonna have to keep my kid or you send him over the wall." Within 5 minutes of checking into the hotel, Boat figured out how to disassemble the air conditioner & unplugged the lamps.

Passed OUT during the SC - Vandy game. Went to sleep thinking about how James Franklin should have had them review that pass interference & wondering why in the hell he didn't??? I hope he got a brick through his window when he got home...But he probably didn't because nobody cares that much about it up there. That's why you're Vanderbilt. Wuss. If you wanted a football team, you'd be elsewhere. Like Alabama.

Roll Tide!

Longer, leaner, faster, stronger!
Ashley

Jiggly Caliente - May I call you Jiggly?

"Please, Jesus, let that woman have a penis..."

Just saw what I sincerely hope was a bad tranny.  To clarify, transvestites are a part of my Big Three. Three things will ALWAYS stop me in my tracks - Trannies, Hookers & Midgets. No offense if you're any of these, but God help me if I am ever blessed enough to witness all 3 in 1 neat little package, I will pee my damned pants on the spot.

Got my nails done today ALONE, which was fantastic enough, but then...Best nail time ever.  Swear to God, Big Ang with giant, super shitty bleached out hair, half a dress and old lady "heels" (and a peeps...unless Big Ang already has a peeps, then pretty much the same person) came in for a mani/pedi with her unsuspecting boyfriend.  Now I don't speak Vietnamese, but I'm pretty sure that the nail ladies were speculating the same thing, along with calling the boyfriend "MarioLuigi" (fair assessment).  I feel pretty certain that MarioLuigi had to have been attracted to/blinded by the individual female-like elements instead of the whole, draggy package. 

If this was a full-on woman, she needs to be ashamed of herself.  Granted, I don't do worth a damn to work my potential (I'm gradually easing into "trying"), but shit, girl.  Put an end to this F5 frenzy.  It was like looking at an aging Jersey Shore caricature just walking around getting her GTL on...with a dink.  Fist pump 2 times if you can hear me!

If it's Dudes on Parade, somebody needs to slap that bitch. Quit half-assing it - the world has plenty of unattractive women already. Get with the pretty or get the fuck out, Dong Dong.

Longer, leaner, faster, stronger!
Ashley

The Move

Was contacted yesterday about maybe teaching again. Conflicted. On one hand, I've done a shit job of working out on my own for the past several days, thanks to Super Clingy Baby Man. That boy is like a foul tempered 27lb kettle bell that constantly moves by itself & tries to scratch your eyes out. On the other, I'm constantly amazed at how much damned work not-working is. Teaching ensures that I get up off my dead ass & actually leave the house. Not teaching means the house looks like an actual family (& not heathen squatters) lives there...more often than it used to. Although I look around at the end of the day & think "What the fuck did I do today?" because it looks like the answer is "a whole lotta not a goddamned thing."

Turns out, I don't leave the house more than I absolutely have to & that apparently doesn't bother me in the slightest...until I see pictures on Facebook of other grownups doing cool shit that I am not doing...THEN I have to remind myself that it only looks like fun because I'm not actually doing it. I don't like anything that involves waiting for goats to amble out of the "street" or eating mayonnaise based salads that have been sitting out in 3rd world heat for hours. With chickens just loose & shit. I like a nice, clean resort. Controlled environment with AC & indoor plumbing. Peeps invading parasite-free pools & ready booze that ain't rum punch. Why the hell is that all they ever have on a catamaran tour? Ass loads of rum punch and Heineken. Go figure.

*Side Note: Rum & I don't get along anymore after an unfortunate set of circumstances once upon a time on a planet far, far away. Not even a grilled cheese sounded good afterwards, so you know it was some crazy bad times involving an Attempted Boyfriend Jacking HoBag. Telling her sweetie back home (who had just driven 14 hrs to pick her up) how she was the ragged out fraternity bicycle? Priceless.  Sometimes, shit just slips out in the outside voice & the next thing you know, it's the longest fucking car ride of her life...if he didn't actually put her out like I would have.  Foot patrol.  Ludacris wouldn't put up with that shit and neither would I - Keep it strong!

Like the Beastie Boys said, "No time like the present to work shit out..." ;-)

Picked a hell of a day to attempt going off diet mtn dew...4 hours in, I'm declaring it a dumbass idea. I tend to chain smoke those things & then think things like "Ohmygod. Youshouldquitthat. Here's some questionable looking shit in a little squeezy bottle - let's try that instead.". And it always turns out poorly...

Longer, leaner, faster, stronger!
Ashley

Spend time with your kids so Peyton Manning doesn't have to

I love Peyton Manning.  Not in a "wanna be your dirty girl" kind of way, but more like a buddy type situation.  Like hanging out, drinking beer and eating nachos.  BBQ Pork nachos.  But if he leaves to go to the bathroom, he may come back to an empty plate.  Those are unapologetically the rules.  "Leave your shit unprotected & it may not be your shit anymore".  We could watch football and talk about what a dick his boss is.  You know you're going to be on tv, Elway.  No gum!  Can't even keep that shit in his mouth & it just makes him look like an even bigger asshole than he already is.  But Peyton...Not that he's not a handsome man...he DOES keep it high and tight, but I feel that we could be amazing friends.  I would even let him inject my as-yet-unconceived 3rd child's placenta into his neck (or wherever you get stem cells from...placenta, umbilical cord, Europe, whatever...shit that I won't be using).  Got to keep that machine tip fucking top.  K had a conference in Indianapolis last summer & I wanted to go so that Peyton could maybe deliver The Boat.  I mean, if I show up unannounced on his doorstep super pregnant and technically in labor, he'd HAVE to do the Christian thing...but 1. they won't let you on an airplane when you're just hanging out at 4cm and 2. elbow deep in God's country would potentially make the post-labor beer and nacho gathering more than a bit awkward.  "So...."  "So...yeah."  "UmmmHmmm."

BTW - made that thing in the picture yesterday and it sucked.  Don't make it, even though it looks super enticing and you'd think that there's NO WAY to fuck up peanut butter, chocolate AND M&Ms...but you'd be wrong.  It's like the Devil planted that stupid ass recipe on the side of that cake mix just to screw with you & be all "Haha!  Gotcha bitch!"

Sucks.  Sucks.  Sucks.  Sucks.  Sucks.

Longer, leaner, faster, stronger!
Ashley

You just blinded Sisqo. Great job, dude.

I saw this on my bike ride this afternoon.  "Todd + Kelly = Lance <3 3/10".   I also saw a dead snake.  PDAs in any form makes me uncomfortable, just like snakes.  I about wrecked & peed my stretchy pants when I realized that sonovabitch wasn't a stick, but still not as disturbing as Kelly's "We banged it out and all I got was a baby" right there on the sidewalk. 

My husband (who is awesome) gives me super squishy cards only to get back cards with monkey asses and sticky sweet emotional sentiments like "Two thumbs up, dude".  I just CAN'T & the hub's learned to work with it...instead of saying things like "I've got a gun and a map.".  Heard THAT before.  You know who you are, dumbass.  Not as romantic as you'd think & kidnapping ME is never the answer, as enticing as I'm sure it sounds.  I'm entertaining for only so long and then I get irritating.  K can vouch for that.  I've also inspired others to try to hit me with their car (2x, believe it or not), full-on cyber stalk & anonymously call me M-F for an entire semester to discuss the day's MacGyver rerun. "WTF, man?  Are you a business major?!?  Ain't no circuit on the fucking planet that's gonna be completed with a goddamned sandwich bag." Oh yes. "I like your car."  Fantastic.  No - it's totally cool.  Just lurk there, Giant Creepy Man, while I teach class...NBD.  Cue parking lot escort.  Must stop being SO amazing that weirdos want to wear me like a suit.  Would like to throw out there that I forget to wear lotion all of the time, so my skin is dry as hell.  Just an FYI, sex perverts.

I have a girlfriend that made me go see the Phantom of the Opera movie with her some years back.  Her: "I wanna be loved like that!" Me: "THAT is a felony."  THAT also ends up wearing your underwear, sweetness, while you're away on a business trip, thanks to the key you gave him.  Honey, I'm home...I TOLD you I hated him...want punch him...so much.  I'm sure he still needs it...right in the throat.  How are you gonna lecture me on being southern when your roly poly Pooh Bear ass is from Colorado AND probably wearing panties?  No sir.  Sit your shit down. 

He had dumps like a truck truck truck...

Just the thought of having to sit through something like The Notebook or The Vow or God knows what else makes me all kinds of tense.  "Stop it!  Stop it - Jesus, WOMAN!  Get your shit together!  In a U-Haul!"  Sniveling.  Fuck it.  If it's beyond a half-assed hug, a cocktail and a bunny balloon hat, I cannot handle it.  Unless I reeeeeeally reeeeeeally like you, I won't handle it & become part of your problem.  Shut up (fling chip) shut up (fling chip) Shut Up (fliiiing) Oh my GOD.  Are you going to do something about it or just cry?  P.S.  You're an ugly cryer & I'm pretty sure your friend invited you out to look for guys...that you are now scaring away.  Just a heads up, sug.  Course of action, not a tissue.

I know you wanna show da na da na...That thong th thong thong thong...

Shit or get off the pot.  Words to live by <3

Longer, leaner, faster, stronger!
Ashley

www.xxxsquatchlegs.com

Took the small one to storytime today.  I hate the women that go to these things.  But I go to these things...so I'm aloofly conflicted ;-)  I know what you're about, MomOf2WeirdLookingSmallKids.  Smug over some shit that you didn't even do.  Oh he poops in the potty already?  Fantastic.  Sugarpants fingerpaints at a 3rd grade level?  Awesome.  Let's face it - you got drunk off some super potent margaritas and 9 months later...GeniusBabyAstronautSuperModel.  I get it.  I have 2 perfect children, myself ;-) I understand.  But nobody cares.  Not really.  Your kids are not their kids, so fuck your kids.  And the more you talk, the less inclined I am to rein in my juggernaut of a child.  I will casually check facebook as he takes the book from BabyGenius.  Didn't see a thing.  AstronautSuperModel just lost her seat on the stage?  I hate that...I really do...so much...inside.  Keep talking and I'll let him dig through your Chanel purse behind your stroller and chew on the strap.  I'm bigger than you, apparently way more assholey'ish & used to people staring at me, so bring it, Flash Cards.

BTW - Storytime Lady does not shave her legs.  I think that if I were to commit to the "I'm never gonna shave my legs. Ever." lifestyle, I could manage to only wear pants...except maybe at home, where my man legs could run free.  Can't say that it's a practical decision.  Granted, there is the huge financial break of no razors and subsquent investment in Muppet bandaids, but still.  That's got to be hot...temperature hot.  Unless you're into that sort of thing, then I guess it would be supersexyfine.

Not working out today because Shaun T fucked up my back with his bastard ways and I did my hair...which rarely happens so I'm extremely inclined to drag this shit out until I look borderline homeless...again. 

How the hell is my roast not done after - seriously - 6 hours?  I keep poking at it & wishing for laser eyes.  Then I thought, "If I had laser eyes, I wouldn't be cooking a goddamned thing.  Ever."  Just shooting holes in stuff, threatening people with it.  Driving would be out of the question - I will already open my door a teensy bit too far if you park TOOFUCKINGCLOSE to my car because you can't park worth shit.  And seriously, once you *GRAZE* the house with a front fender, it really just doesn't matter.

Maybe if I jiggle the cord...

Longer, leaner, faster, stronger!
Ashley

Charity starts at home ;-)

I have a friend who says she waaaants to workout.  She lies.  She WANTS to drink & read lady porn.  Hustling that ass ain't even top 10 ;-) This is what I say to you, sweet friend - you don't have to want
to do it to do it.  Not following?  Let me frame it in a way I'm sure you can work with...let's say you used to be married to a total shitbag.  Hypothetically.  And I'm sure there was probably AT LEAST
one charity bang during that.  Didn't want to.  Did it anyway.  With me? ;-) Exercise = pity sex (in the beginning...but then you sorta get into it because there's nothing good on tv...wait...what?)

Get down on it...get down on it...get down onnnn it...Shaanaaanananaaa!

So go.  Move.  Now <3

Longer, leaner, faster, stronger!
Ashley

Insanity, INSANITY and just foolishness

Two days ago, I had the brilliant idea to start INSANITY.  First off - Shaun T - put a shirt on.  While you'd think that him, in all his shirtless glory, would be awesome, it's just not helpful.  What would be suuuuper helpful is a timer that went faster.  I eyeball that thing something fierce.  Work on that, Junior Mr. T.  (Maybe he pitties the fool.  Hard to say.  Clearly, he takes no issue with spitters, nasty girl on the left.) 

I started this thing on Tuesday.  Even printed out the Insanity calendar so I could check off my progress.  "Alright!  Fit tesssssst!"  I've seen the program on YouTube before & was certain I was about to be staring death in the face.  But it's a fit test & I'm a fit girl...should be able to kick its ass, right?  Two things: 1.  Cardio is the 1st thing to go when you overhaul your program in favor of "kinder & gentler" and 2.  Mutherfucker!?*!  There's no yoga on the planet that's gonna prepare you for this.  Rolling sweat.  Sucking wind.  Shiiiiiiit...but basically ok ;-)

Wednesday.  Plyosomething and Other Stuff.  According to some dude named Charles, this one's the worst ever.  I was sweaty and breathing hard during the warm up.  3/4 of the way through, I was face down on the carpet in child's pose & thinking that if I didn't swallow back the vomit, I'd have to clean the carpet.  Later.  Which I really don't want to do.  I cussed myself to a vertical position and made it through, only to wake up at 4:30 this morning gagging.  Not cool.  I STILL don't feel right...but looking at a picture I found of a black woman yelling, "Y'all mothafuckas need Jesus" made me laugh until I felt sick again.  Totally worth it ;-)

Cardio Power & Resistance was today & I made it through the warm up/stretching before the Chunk woke up from his nap waaaay early.  I was all, "Damn.  The baby's awake. Guess I'll have to finish this later... :-) " Not feeling Chocolate Thunder today, shirt or no shirt, and since I have to go BACK to the camping store for some cub scout hat I forgot, swim team & then the cub scout pack meeting...yeah.  Yoga.  Maybe.  Besides, the campy store was distracting me with all their tree-hugging crazy expensive stuff that I NEED.  Like weird flipflops...and million dollar patagonia sundresses that really aren't as cute as they Jedi mind trick you into thinking they are..."peeeeee outsiiiiide.  peeeeeee outsiiiiiiiide"  Campy store has apparently already infiltrated the swim mom set cause it's nothing but boxy earthy tones, capris and Chacos as far as the eye can see on that swim deck.  If you've been there, you know what the hell I'm talking about.

I am, however, in dire need of a Razor scooter.  Tore ass on that thing going to go pick up the big one from school this afternoon.  Started jumping curbs and shit.  Still got all my toes and skin.  Apparently, I feel the same way about scooter brakes as I do about rollerblade brakes - don't use 'em cause that's the dangerous part.  That's what the good Lord invented grass for anyway...He (big) wouldn't let me ride it back :-/  Stingy!

Ugh...I look like shit and it's time to head out.  At least the eye people got up off it and actually did something right for once & got my contacts in so I can quit wearing my glasses.  I hate these people.  I've cussed them BAD at least twice...but I'm too lazy to change horses right now. 

Dykes OUT.

Longer, leaner, faster. stronger!
Ashley

So I flipped my gym the bird...

So I used to be a group exercise instructor.  I used to be a lot of things, but this one was my favorite.  Yelling at people...wearing sparkle shoes...Inappropriate Touch Tuesdays...all good.  I still get to yell at people but I'll be damned if I can get them to comply with my demands.  Kinda frowned upon to jump on your 7 year old's back while he does pushups..."What??  Eating dinner doesn't seem so hard now, does it?!?"  Yeah...not so much ;-)

Lalalalalaaaaaa!  Cue evil corporate takeover music...My lovely gym with all it's cleanliness & love & warm fuzzies was bought out.  I think, "I've worked at super sucky places before - I've got this.  No big deal."  Turns out, BIG fucking deal.  They ditched our lovey day care staff so my kids were getting beat the fuck up.  They started monkeying around with the class schedule & if you couldn't make class?  So what!  Cancel it cause nobody went to the website to see if maybe you might need a sub.  They quit maintaing the clubs so small, insignificant things...like air conditioning...went out and stayed out for WEEKS...like 4 weeks and counting.  And it's like a bajillion goddamned degrees outside.  By the way.  Oh and they stopped cleaning.  Just stopped.  One of my friends put a water bottle wrapper on a hook by the indoor pool 4 weeks ago - hanging out in front of God & everybody...and it was still there yesterday.  Shit is nasty.

Anyway...I quit.  Child safety and the fact that they clearly don't give a fuck.  OUT.  What sucks is that means pretty much no more teaching for me, since I don't want to go back to the Y and, at last check, Gold's is still harboring a grudge. 

Now, I get to keep my shit tight at home...and alone!  Hell, "alone" if I'm lucky.  MommmaMommaMooooooom!  Oh my GOD.  Go away...don't you have toys to break...or - even better - go watch that stupid cartoon with that orange.  Yeah...gonna be imitating THAT all    afternoon    forever   .  Hate that stupid ass cartoon.  SHIT TIGHT AT HOME.  Walking to and from school...in the bajillion degrees...random yoga on youtube so that I can attempt to undo some of the things that I've done to myself (which are now looking pretty damned dumb in hindsight) over the past 7'ish years.  Touching my toes again is pretty high on my list, as is standing upright & not hobbling around like I'm about to kick off.  I'm not a zen individual, so you can imagine how well yoga goes...

I'm calm - can't you fucking see that?!?  ;-)


Longer, leaner, faster, stronger!
Ashley