A Real Boyfriend...

Saw this picture on Facebook & thought, "Ugh! THAT sounds awful..."

1. "Calls you for nothing..."
I have a strict No Calls policy that's only becoming more iron clad as I get older. Unless you absolutely cannot contain your message within the confines of a text, an email or a Facebook post/message, I'll allow it - but you'd better have a damned point. Get to it. Quickly.

2. "...texts you all the time..."
No ma'am. In the wise words of Sweet Brown, "Ain't nobody got time for that!" Quit being fucking needy & get to work.

3. "...wants to see you..."
I'm ok with this one, unless it's all the time, in which case, we'll probably break up.

4. "...cries..."
There are only a few instances in which I'm ok with you crying:
A) Death of a close family member
B) Birth of your children
C) Scoring the come-from-behind, winning touchdown in the big game with less than 1 minute left to play with a set of plays that shall be forever known as "The Drive" (Amen & Roll Tide!)

Other than that, you need to suck that shit up. There are few things more off-putting than a weepy male. Be a man. Go shoot something & have a beer.

Handle your damn business.

5. "...gets jealous..."
This is bullshit. It sounds like it'd be cute but it goes horribly wrong in practice & I have enough problems without having to worry about your baggage, too. Again, shouldn't you be working or working out or something other than fixating on me? Your issues smother me. Back the fuck up.

6. "...is over protective..."
No thank you. Stand up for me when needed. Shoot burglars & intimidate the weird neighbor who likes to randomly stand in my driveway. Creepy. P.S. Your yard smells like pee, Turtle Man. P.P.S. I wave at you every day so you'll decide that I'm nice & won't murder me when the spree eventually comes. I've got my "He was always so quiet..." news speech READY.

Anyway...Usually "over protective" is just a sweet way of saying "perp" which will eventually - probably sooner than later - bite you in the ass. Or plot to kidnap you at gunpoint after you break up..."I've got a map and a .38..." Delightfully heart warming, no? It's not love if it also qualifies as a felony.  Somebody write that down.

7. "...loves you."
I'm cool with this one. Without the rest of that shit.

Can't handle it.

Longer, leaner, faster, stronger!
Ashley