You just blinded Sisqo. Great job, dude.

I saw this on my bike ride this afternoon.  "Todd + Kelly = Lance <3 3/10".   I also saw a dead snake.  PDAs in any form makes me uncomfortable, just like snakes.  I about wrecked & peed my stretchy pants when I realized that sonovabitch wasn't a stick, but still not as disturbing as Kelly's "We banged it out and all I got was a baby" right there on the sidewalk. 

My husband (who is awesome) gives me super squishy cards only to get back cards with monkey asses and sticky sweet emotional sentiments like "Two thumbs up, dude".  I just CAN'T & the hub's learned to work with it...instead of saying things like "I've got a gun and a map.".  Heard THAT before.  You know who you are, dumbass.  Not as romantic as you'd think & kidnapping ME is never the answer, as enticing as I'm sure it sounds.  I'm entertaining for only so long and then I get irritating.  K can vouch for that.  I've also inspired others to try to hit me with their car (2x, believe it or not), full-on cyber stalk & anonymously call me M-F for an entire semester to discuss the day's MacGyver rerun. "WTF, man?  Are you a business major?!?  Ain't no circuit on the fucking planet that's gonna be completed with a goddamned sandwich bag." Oh yes. "I like your car."  Fantastic.  No - it's totally cool.  Just lurk there, Giant Creepy Man, while I teach class...NBD.  Cue parking lot escort.  Must stop being SO amazing that weirdos want to wear me like a suit.  Would like to throw out there that I forget to wear lotion all of the time, so my skin is dry as hell.  Just an FYI, sex perverts.

I have a girlfriend that made me go see the Phantom of the Opera movie with her some years back.  Her: "I wanna be loved like that!" Me: "THAT is a felony."  THAT also ends up wearing your underwear, sweetness, while you're away on a business trip, thanks to the key you gave him.  Honey, I'm home...I TOLD you I hated him...want punch him...so much.  I'm sure he still needs it...right in the throat.  How are you gonna lecture me on being southern when your roly poly Pooh Bear ass is from Colorado AND probably wearing panties?  No sir.  Sit your shit down. 

He had dumps like a truck truck truck...

Just the thought of having to sit through something like The Notebook or The Vow or God knows what else makes me all kinds of tense.  "Stop it!  Stop it - Jesus, WOMAN!  Get your shit together!  In a U-Haul!"  Sniveling.  Fuck it.  If it's beyond a half-assed hug, a cocktail and a bunny balloon hat, I cannot handle it.  Unless I reeeeeeally reeeeeeally like you, I won't handle it & become part of your problem.  Shut up (fling chip) shut up (fling chip) Shut Up (fliiiing) Oh my GOD.  Are you going to do something about it or just cry?  P.S.  You're an ugly cryer & I'm pretty sure your friend invited you out to look for guys...that you are now scaring away.  Just a heads up, sug.  Course of action, not a tissue.

I know you wanna show da na da na...That thong th thong thong thong...

Shit or get off the pot.  Words to live by <3

Longer, leaner, faster, stronger!
Ashley